I know what you’re all thinking, “WOW, another Game of Thrones recap/analysis post! Just what the world needed!” Yes, here I am just throwing another log on the pyre of Game of Thrones internet content. In my defense, I have been writing about the show for a couple of years now over on my old blog, Untied. I even went and read the books between seasons, so now I can be one of those people that everyone loves so much. Hey, the show is beyond the books now, so we’re all in the dark.

Get Rid of the Seaworth

No one manages to bounce from bad situations to worse ones with a better attitude than Davos Seaworth. Ser Davos leads Stannis Baratheon’s fleet into King’s Landing and gets blown the fuck up along with his son? It’s okay! He’s got a pouch with his fingers around his neck. An assassination attempt on Lady Melisandre goes awry and he gets thrown in prison? Well, Davos took that free time to go and learn how to read.

Now Ser Davos finds himself stuck between a rock and the hardest place in Westeros. After waking up to the sight of dead as a doornail Jon Snow, he’s now huddled in his room with that corpse, his direwolf, and the few members of the Night’s Watch that didn’t take a turn putting a knife in their Lord Commander’s torso. At least he has the good sense to negotiate some mutton for himself when Ser Alliser Thorne comes a knockin’, looking for said Snow corpse.

Thorne, of course, has no regrets about the action he took. He’s never liked Snow, ever since the fancy lad showed up at Castle Black with a large wolf and an even bigger chip on his shoulder. It didn’t help that Snow ate the last bag of pork rinds at Castle Black. He really was a bastard.

Now the fate of Ser Davos, some Night’s Watch red shirts (black shirts?) and very much dead Jon Snow falls to Dolorous Edd and the Wildlings. You know, they do have a giant on their side and the big swinging dick of the far north, Tormund Giantsbane, against the very stupid men of the Night’s Watch. Maybe Ser Alliser should be the scared one. No one wants to get beaten to death with a big dick.

Reek on the Run

Awww, Ramsay lost his best friend, crazy hound lady Myranda. To top that off, his dad’s angry with him again. Losing Sansa and his Reek really hurt everyone’s favorite sadist. What’s a Ramsay to do?

The good news is that his beloved Reek isn’t very good at anything. Reek and Sansa waded through a frozen river just to get caught five minutes later. Reek, Reek, it rhymes with completely incompetent. The hounds would have taken him and Sansa back to Winterfell if not for the intervention of Brienne of Tarth and her trusty sidekick, Podrick Payne!

Brienne’s rescue is the premiere’s thrilling moment, and a good showcase of what makes Brienne so great after a season of meandering. She’s been rejected at every turn since she returned a handless Jaime Lannister to King’s Landing. Finally, Brienne will have her chance to keep Sansa Stark safe.

Where can she possibly do that, though? Winter is here. That makes staying outdoors treacherous at best. Stannis Baratheon is dead and his forces crushed. Castle Black seems like a good option to someone who hasn’t been there in the past few weeks. The south is full of Lannisters and dipshits. The North will have to find a place for Sansa Stark.

Sand Snake Shenanigans

No one liked the Sand Snakes last season. People actively hoped they wouldn’t even be back for season 6. Well, sorry folks, there’s plenty more of that “bad pussy” on the way. The Sand Snakes aren’t only back, but now they’re in charge.

Poor Prince Doran, so gouty and overly nice. While the book Doran may have plans, this Doran is kind of just there to say, “Hey, what the fuck dude?” while getting stabbed in the chest. Doran: DEAD. Trystane: DEAD. His Other Kids: DON’T EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE. It’s all Sand Snakes now as Benioff and Weiss give the audience a middle finger salute.

I have absolutely no idea where they’re taking this storyline this season. There’s two Snakes in King’s Landing. They’re probably going to stick around and continue messing with the Lannisters. Perhaps with a series of hilarious pranks, like one puts whipped cream in Cersei’s hand while she sleeps while the other tickles her nose with a feather.

OH and Jaime got back to King’s Landing and told Cersei about their dead incest daughter and now she’s super sad. Watch out Tommen, you’re probably getting smothered to death by Cersei any day now.

Forever Mired in Meereen

Tyrion and Varys are running shit, however the whole experience is far less baller than I had anticipated. They just kind of walk around and assess things and mistakenly offer to buy babies for snack instead of walking around drinking out of Tyrion sized chalices with a band following them day and night. Can we talk about this anti-Daenerys graffiti?

What the hell is this? It’s in plain English and looks like something you find when Six Flags turns to haunted house mode in October. The Game of Thrones production staff does a great job. This was not their finest work. Yeah, uhhhh, just throw some graffiti up about them killing the dragon mom or something. Whatever. Daenerys needs to get back and soon. The Meereenese burnt up all her boats without her there! Those were expensive boats! At least we know that Dany is in good hands with the Dothraki.

Those horse-loving Dothraki are back for all of you who missed them. Lots of talk about fucking and fighting and those ever so precious horses. It is known. What is not known is how it took so long (ok about five episode minutes) for anyone to realize that Daenerys Targaryen was that same silver haired lady that married Khal Drogo. He seemed like a pretty big deal. Perhaps Khal Moro and his crew are just from the East Side of the Dothraki Sea. It’s obvious that if anyone is the West Side Tupac of Essos, it was Khal Drogo. Although, Tupac’s obviously still alive so it isn’t a perfect analogy…

Dany mentioning her dead husband may have saved her from, uh, bad stuff, but it does remind the Dothraki present about their tradition of locking widows up together in one big temple. Look, you can’t sleep with ‘em, so you put them all together in one place where they do stuff like sew and other such womanly duties. The Dothraki are a men’s rights advocacy group’s dream.

Old Red Mel

Lastly, we have the episode’s big reveal. The mysterious Melisandre is a little down in the dumps. She’s on a bit of a losing streak with the men in her life. Stannis lost his head. She could have moved on to Jonny Snows, the man she saw fighting at Winterfell in the fire, buuuuut guess what? HE DEAD. What’s a red priestess to do? Time to look at your boobs in the mirror, take off your cool necklace, and take a naaa—-oh god she’s old!

Yes, without her locket, Melisandre is all old and stuff! Ewwwww, we all know people aren’t good anymore once they’re old. Gross, brah. Bring me back dem boobies. Bro. Bro. BRO. Boobz.

Hey, seriously, this is big news. It shows how powerful Melisandre’s glamour really is and just how long she’s been around. Has she been serving R’hllor this whole time? I’m not sure what it means long term. No one does, it’s the season premiere!

Questions

Is Arya still blind?

Yes, and getting beaten up. You ain’t no Daredevil, chump.

Is Jon Snow still dead?

So dead. Didn’t see him move once.

Is Daenerys back in Meereen?

Nah, but she’s got a sweet life ahead as a crone in Vaes Dothrak.

Has Jorah Mormont turned into a Gargoyle from the show Gargoyles yet?

Not yet. SOON.

Is Margaery still locked up by the Faith Militant?

SHAME on all of us because I totally forgot about Lady Smirksalot myself. Yeah, Margaery is still in the clink. The High Sparrow is probably just out to see her boobzzzz. I get paid for each boob reference btw.

Is Melisandre still hot?

Depends, do you like the lady from Room 237 in The Shining?

Next Episode Predictions

• Bran talks to trees or something.
• HODOR is finally back HODORing in our lives!
• Theon/Reek makes a prosthetic penis out of a log.
• Sansa and Brienne leave Westeros because everyone there sucks.
• Ramsay discovers his love of dance.
• Tommen has an awkward dinner with Cersei and Jaime. Asks if Ser Pounce can be his new legal guardian.
• The Zombie Mountain makes a salad.
• Jon Snow starts to stink a little, making Davos thankful he always carries a handful of onions with him. Onions smell better than a rotting corpse.
• Dolorous Edd can’t round up the Wildlings to his cause. He gets together with Davos and pulls a Weekend At Bernie’s situation with Jon Snow’s corpse. Ser Alliser is fooled into thinking Jon is immortal.

Book Stuff

We’re in all-new territory in a number of areas here. One area in which the show has majorly diverged is Dorne. It’s not really close. While the Dorne parts of A Feast for Crows and A Dance With Dragons aren’t really that good, the show Dorne really is all that bad. Benioff and Weiss have made this difference very clear by killing off Doran and Trystane Martell and never even including Quentyn and Arianne.

Doran is the man with a plan in A Song of Ice and Fire. He’s playing the long game, yo. He never got a chance to be much of anything on Game of Thrones. He didn’t even get a proper “Fire and Blood” moment. I can completely understand getting rid of Quentyn. Maybe even Arianne. I do not get why they got rid of these elements to boil Dorne down to the Sand Snakes stabbing things. Would it have killed them to at least have Doran or Trystane’s last word be “Oh”?

I’ve heard that Jaime might be heading north this season. The circumstances are very different as he’s not on the outs with Cersei (yet). Jaime’s trip up north was interesting due to his lack of confidence in himself due to his handless state and his fractured relationship with his sister. Will it be any good without those elements? I just want to see the scene with him and the Blackfish at Riverrun.

As for the bastard-off, I wonder if there will be a pink letter. Jon’s already been stabbed up pretty well and it seems like Ramsay will probably make the assumption that his bride is heading to Castle Black. Ramsay could still send a strongly worded, oddly colored letter. I’m just not sure that he can read and write.

Well, at least we have Sam’s “fat pink mast” to look forward to. Gross.