Month: May 2016

Season six rolls on as all of the shit continues to hit all of the fans.

Hungry Like the Wolf

Sansa and Jon, now fully committed to taking back the North, need to figure out how the hell to actually do that. Ramsay Bolton has the strongest fortress and the biggest army in that neck of the woods. Overcoming that is no easy task, even with a giant ginger, giant woman, and an actual giant.

In Sansa’s time of need, who else pops his snakey little head out of the ground but Littlefinger. OF COURSE Littlefinger would meet Sansa in a brothel town. SHIT DON’T CHANGE. That weasel must have Sansa danger sense or something. It’s not like she’s leaving hologram messages for him, saying, “Help me Petyr Wan Baelobi, you’re my only hope!” She doesn’t want any part of the man that sold her to the biggest piece of shit in Westeros. Yet, she can’t help but take his key information about her Uncle Brynden reforming his army down in the Riverlands.

No matter what, that worm finds a way. Littlefinger has that gift of gab. For the few remaining Starks, the hope that another member of their family is still living is too good to pass up. Just look at Jon, he got stabbed up based on the hope that his Uncle Benjen was back at Castle Black.

What do we always say is most important, Sansa? Lemon cakes. But then family. Sansa needs her family, she needs her home. She’s even embraced her bastard brother, Jon. She must really be desperate. Seriously, though, it’s nice to have Jon and Sansa united under the banner of the Direwolf.

Then Sansa has to go and screw it all up by lying to Jon about where she heard the news that the Blackfish has gotten the band back together. Come on, Sansa! You can’t be lying to Jon about sources like that! You’re not ESPN! Yeah, she’s sending Brienne down to Riverrun on the sly to check things out. That’s all well and good, but is this really the best time to be sending one of your best fighters away on a fact-finding mission? Send Pod! That guy needs something to do.

A Night at the Theatre

Arya is back in the good graces of the Faceless Men, but she still has to prove herself. In this case, prove herself means poison an actress. Simple enough, eh?

However, Arya can’t help but question why they’re murdering a person. Kids, you know? Maybe it was the effect of seeing her father’s beheading again, albeit in comedic form. Surely, her father would not approve of his younger daughter killing an innocent woman because someone paid the right price. If only Arya knew about the family reunion going on overseas, maybe she would think she has another option.

I wanna rule the Iron Islands but I need a Kingsmoot

Yara wants to be the first queen of those lousy Iron Islands. Change isn’t easy. It might have helped if she had chosen a better running mate. While Theon means well, his support just doesn’t have the same oomph it might have had if he had left the North in one, er, piece.

Still, Yara was on a bit of a role when Uncle Euron comes rolling up, immediately striking low blows by bringing up Theon’s missing member. Euron does not give a damn. When confronted with the accusation that he killed his brother, Balon, Euron immediately fesses up. You have to admire his bravado. 

Euron’s plan to make the Iron Islands great again (I think I’m the 451st person to make that joke) goes over like gangbusters with the Ironborn. He’s got a foolproof plan: sail west, offer the fleet to Daenerys, marry Dany, profit. What a romantic.

Now Euron rules the krakenfolk and his niece and nephew are on the run. Theon doesn’t have a home. It’s obviously time for him to head back to Winterfell, like everyone else. Nah, they’re in ships or some junk.

Hold the Door

Who knew Game of Thrones could make you cry? It’s made me angry, elated, thrilled, infuriated, and might have even made me say aw once or twice. It’s never made me tear up. Until now.

Bran’s training with the Three-Eyed Raven has been an enlightening look at the past, but it certainly didn’t seem like it was going anywhere. FALSE. Of course Bran, as a young crippled man, wants to push the limits on his supernatural powers. How bad could it be? His father only kinda heard him in the past. What could go wrong? Welllll, Bran found out when he looked upon the Night King.

Bran’s classic Stark fuck up lead the Night’s King and his army of the dead right to the Three-Eyed Raven’s door cave opening. Now, everyone’s dead. The old Raven dude himself: DEAD. Those weird forest people: DEAD. Summer: DEAD. And saddest of all, Hodor: DEAD.

The story of how Wylis became Hodor didn’t initially seem that interesting. I assumed he got kicked by a horse or something. It seemed crazy that Bran would linger in the past just to watch his father leave Winterfell while an entire army of ice zombies honed in on him. When it all came together, the tears started building up. Wait, hold the door…hodor…he’s been waiting his entire life to do this one task, oh my god noooooooooooo.

And now it’s just Bran and Meera, alone beyond the wall. That is until BENJEN STARK shows up to rescue them. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Next Episode Predictions

I don’t know, I’m still too devastated thinking about Hodor to think straight.

Book Stuff

• I guess Bran didn’t eat any Jojen Paste in this iteration. No, Jojen paste has not been confirmed to the best of my knowledge. Settle down.
• I wonder if we’ll get to see the Blackfish deal with Jaime at Riverrun. It doesn’t seem like the Kingslayer is leaving King’s Landing this season.
• Looks like we can officially say that Victarion and Euron have been folded into one. I’m fine with this, there’s a lot of story to tell with only a little time.
• There’s a theory out there that Ser Jorah may cure his greyscale like Victarion’s flaming arm. While that would be badass, this is Ser Jorah we’re talking about. We all know he’s taking an arrow for his KHALEESI in the end.

Interestingly enough, Game of Thrones has really seemed to put the pedal to the metal now that they’re beyond the books. Maybe they were dragging their feet before. There was clearly some trouble adapting the dense material from A Feast for Crows and A Dance With Dragons. Whatever the case may be, season 6 has been a rush so far, and this episode was no exception.

Ya Burnt!

I really should have placed a bet on what would last longer: Jon Snow’s death or Daenerys’ time with the Dothraki. Dothraki Dany outlasted Jon’s time in the great beyond by just over an episode. I’m not complaining, Dany’s escape from life as a crone was terrific and wasn’t dragged out like someone who attempted to assassinate a Khaleesi.

Ser Jorah and Daario certainly thought they were going to show up and white knight the shit out of Dany. Jorah has the knowledge of the Dothraki; Daario has youth and skillzzzzz and all that shit. They got this! All they got to do was put a log on a door. Dany gathered the horse lords into a trap that even noted trap expert Admiral Ackbar wouldn’t have seen coming.

The Horse Lords found out why Daenerys is called “The Unburnt” in the hardest way possible. Maybe they should have let her spew out her 7,000 titles instead of interrupting her to proclaim how well they were going to sex her. Daenerys emerging in her birthday suit from the flames of the Temple of the Dosh Khaleen after destroying the Dothraki leadership is a powerful moment. It shows that she can rise right back to the top after being thrown to the bottom again. She showed her strong pimp hand, and gained the respect of the entire Dothraki nation in the process. Now it’s time to go settle things in Meereen so she can get her dragons and those pizzas that have been promised for so long now and get her ass to Westeros.

Haggling with the Harpy

Dany’s gonna be real happy when she gets back to Meereen. All her boats have been burnt, her dragons are running around eating sheep again, and the guy she named advisor just before she left is actually trying to negotiate with her enemies! Negotiate!? I know, what a fucking idiot.

Come on Tyrion, people in Essos don’t negotiate. They yell at each other, deliver ultimatums, and murder each other. That’s very different from Westeros, where they yell at each other, deliver ultimatums, negotiate, betray each other, rinse, repeat.

Missandei and Grey Worm do not approve of this. They are former slaves, so their feelings are a tad bit strong on this particular topic. Tyrion Lannister is the outsider perspective they need to actually move things along in Essos! Otherwise, it’s just a cycle of Dany killing the slavers and new slavers rising up. You just know that Tyrion is getting a lot of disapproving glares once the Mother of Dragons goes home.

Stark Reunion

I am so, so thankful that Sansa, Brienne, and Pod didn’t actually miss Jon Snow at Winterfell. I could see it so clearly in my head: Jon storms out, having finally quit the Night’s Watch. An hour later, Sansa arrives asking where her half-brother is. Instead, we got to see a little happiness on a Stark’s face for the first time in a long time.

Jon and Sansa’s scenes in this episode were really nice. Kit Harrington and Sophie Turner have a great brother-sister chemistry for two characters that have never really interacted with each other. I love their fireside chat, where Sansa makes Jon forgive her for treating him poorly and Jon vows to protect her, lest the ghost of their father haunt him. Jon says it as a joke, but he really is already haunted by his father. Ned’s sense of honor lives on in Jon, or at least it did until he got stabbed by his homeboys.

What are two reunited Starks to do? Is there really an option, when Winterfell is being fun by a traitorous psychopath? While Jon may be tired of fighting, Sansa has seen firsthand what a monster Ramsay Bolton is. She can’t let that bastard continue to ruin her family’s home and legacy. I like this Sansa. She’s been chewed up and spit out by the world and needs to get back up. Just like Daenerys overseas, Sansa is showing just how much resolve she has in her.

Ramsay’s taunting letter just drives it all home for Jon and Sansa. They need to take back what has been taken from them. They need to save one of the few relatives they have left in this world. They can’t let Ramsay hurt them again. It’s time for Sansa and Jon to take their large companions and head south. It’s time for the North to remember just who the bad guys are and make things right.

Wake the Kraken

Theon finally arrived home to the perpetually dreary Iron Islands. His sister, Yara, is understandably upset at the mere sight of him. Her only appearances in these past few seasons have been an unsuccessful rescue attempt where she had to deal with the infamous shirtless Ramsay and receiving that unfortunate package from the Bolton bastard.

She finally got the other part of that package! Get it, because the initial package was Theon’s penis and now Theon is here. Where his penis is. Get it? Cool.

Yara’s initial instinct is that Theon is back to claim the throne. The shithead that unknowingly hit on her when they first met back in season 2 might have come back to sit on the Seastone Chair (god the Iron Islands are dumb). Not this Theon. His time as Reek broke him. He just needs a warm bed and a roof over his head. He’s gonna support his sister in the upcoming Kingsmoot! Nothing, and I mean nothing, could go wrong.

The Cobbler

Sadly, whenever I hear the word “cobbler” now, I think of that shitty Adam Sandler movie that no one’s seen except for really bored people on Netflix. What does this have to do with anything? The High Sparrow told Margaery some story about being a cobbler and trying to be rich or something. Whatever, we all know he’s just trying to get her to do that naked walk of shame. What a perv.

Margaery’s not falling for it. She’s here to be queen, and she knows how damaging that shame walk is for her brand. Her brother Loras isn’t quite as strong. He’s ready to give up, let the Faith have their way. One could say that the Knight of FLOWERS has WILTED. Ohhhhhhhhh…I hate myself.

Cersei has a terrific solution that is a win-win-win. The Tyrell army invades the city and takes on the Faith Militant while the royal army stands down. There COULD be a little civil war, but that’s no big deal. This is the queen we’re talking about, guys! We can spare no solution, no matter how bloody or potentially disastrous.

Other Stuff

• Jon, dude, what is with that manbun?
• Oh goodie, Littlefinger is back. And look at how little Robin Arryn(‘s nose) has grown! The most trustworthy man in Westeros wants to offer their support to Sansa in this trying time. She should be thrilled to see him.
• Look at Brienne throwing that big time SHADE at Davos and Melisandre. “Yeah, I killed Stannis, how about them apples? DEAL WITH IT.” Ice cold.
• Tormund Giantsbane has met Brienne and he likes what he sees. Finally, a woman as tall as he claims his penis is! HAR!
• Poor Osha took her shot at Ramsay and done got got.

Next Episode Predictions

• Sam is slapped around by his entire family like he’s the hysterical woman from airplane.
• Tormund attempts to woo Brienne with a message spelled out in bodies.
• Littlefinger and Robin get lost on the way up to the Wall and get taken out by a gang of ice zombies. No one asks what happened to them.
• Daenerys gives Meereen to the Dothraki to do with as they please and walks away.
• Ser Jorah’s stonitis spreads to his lower region. He begs Daario to end him now. Daario chuckles and refuses.
• Podrick Payne takes the Black and is immediately named the new Lord Commander of The Night’s Watch.

Book Stuff

• We more or less got Ramsay’s “Pink Letter” in this episode, and it is 100% percent from him. No doubt about it. The sequence is a little bit different this time, considering that the letter was Jon’s motivation to rally the troops into stabbing him over and over.
• There’s also a huge difference in Theon’s story, as we know he was not present for the Kingsmoot. The preview chapters of The Winds of Winter show him hunkered in with Stannis’ forces, along with fake Arya, and his sister Asha.
• Meereen’s been remixed too, with Tyrion being the representative that meets with the slave leadership. I can dig it, Tyrion adds a different dimension to these proceedings. Will dying Ser Jorah serve the Ser Barristan Selmy role? Would it kill them to introduce either Brown Ben Plumm or Strong Belwas? You know Strong Belwas would be a hit on this show.

 

Breakin’ oaths, bones, and dance moves, let’s talk Game of Thrones season 6, episode 3 already!

Fuck you, I’m Out!

There were a multitude of questions after Jon Snow’s resurrection last week, such as:

• Would it actually be Jon inhabiting his body?
• How would everyone react to the black magic that brought him back?
• Would Jon seek revenge on the members of the Night’s Watch that done him dirty?
• If Jon drinks a lot of water will all of the water come pouring out of his stab-holes?

Jon came back just fine, although a little freaked out by the whole resurrection. That’s not to mention that he’s a tad discouraged by the whole men he called his brothers stabbing him to death in the middle of Castle Black.

Snow’s disappointment and frustrations with the Night’s Watch have built up over the years, yet he’s always told himself that this is the life he’s chosen and these men were the only family he has. They rejected him when he brought the Wildlings through the Wall. Jon has seen the nothing that waits for him on the other side, why should he waste his second chance on a group that left him for dead in the cold? Jon watches the life fade from his chief rivals’ eyes, Ser Alliser and Ollie with no regrets despite the rope around their necks. He’s had enough, and leaves by dropping his cloak in Dolorous Edd’s confused hands, leaving the least qualified man since Tony Danza in charge. Edd’s in charge, of our dreams, of our liiiiives. 

If death and resurrection has one advantage, it’s providing Jon with the only loophole to leave the Night’s Watch without technically being a deserter. That’s right, Jon is skating by on a technicality. To be fair, the Night’s Watch is absolutely horrible.

Presumably, Jon is headed southbound towards his childhood home, with an army of Wildlings by his side. There’s a bastard battle a-brewin’ and the hype is strong. For god’s sake though, please don’t miss Sansa, Brienne, and Pod on the way there. We’ve had way too many missed connections already, Game of Thrones.

Hey, speaking of Winterfell, it sure looks like Ramsay just got a little (ok, he got pretty damn big) ace up his sleeve in the form of grown-ass teen, Rickon Stark. Smalljon Umber straight up selling Rickon and Osha out, what has this world come to? Poor Shaggydog. He deserved better. It’s not like he was the worst-named Stark direwolf. That honor goes to Summer. That’s lame and you know it, Bran.

Ramsay has the support of the major Northern houses and the oldest available at the moment legitimate male Stark heir (got all that?). Jon’s got a second chance from the Lord of Light, a Wildling army, and a giant. Leeeeeet’s go!

Crone Life

Daenerys gotta hang out with these old ladies for the rest of her life, smdh. That’s all I got. I hope Ser Jorah gets to stab bargain bin Khal in his stupid face.

Some Boat

Sam puked in a bucket and realizes that he has to go to his dickhead dad to see if they can take Gilly and the baby in while he does some book learning. Thankfully, no sign of his mast.

Mired in Meereen

Varys don’t play no games. The people of Meereen don’t know this yet. The only Spider people know in Meereen is the, well, spidery, kind. It’s about time we got to see Varys flex those political muscles overseas.

Sometimes it feels like there’s about 20 people in Meereen and they’re all bored. Tyrion can’t even have any fun, since Missandei and Grey Worm are basically sober mutes. Have you ever been the only one drinking at a party? It isn’t fun. You might as well get a sign saying, “Alcoholic. Please help.” Just have a drink with the man! No one wants sad, bored Tyrion!

Meereen needs some action real soon. The revelation that the Sons of the Harpy are being funded by everyone that Daenerys has pissed off is hopefully the start of something interesting.

King’s Landing

King’s Landing is in a transitional period as tensions mount. Tommen finally confronted the High Sparrow (unsuccessfully, of course). Cersei has Qyburn employing Varys’ child spies to find out who’s talking shit about her. The Tyrells are throwing all of the shade, even flat out calling out the fact that Cersei has the resurrected Mountain doing all of her dirty work. Robert Strong’s not a great alias for one of the most recognizable men in the world. Shit is going down any week now!

Daryadevil

Hey hey, Arya finally bested the blonde demon of the Faceless Men! Our little psychopath is growing a little more each day. The Faceless Men even sent the Starks a bumper sticker saying, “My child is an honor student at assassin school.” Unfortunately, Ramsay received it and fed it to a Reek.

With most GoT storylines, you have a pretty decent idea of where they’re heading. Jon and Ramsay are going to butt heads. Tensions between the Faith, Lannisters, and Tyrells are going to come to a (crushed) head in King’s Landing. Hot Pie is going to make and eat pies. Arya’s path isn’t so clear. What’s next for her? She’s done her best to prove herself. She’s got her sight back. She will need to prove that she is without a doubt a nameless assassin and not a Stark bent on vengeance. What proves that? Killing someone you love? Not killing someone on your hit list?

Tower of Joy

Sheeeeeeit, I bet you didn’t think there would be a Tower of Joy flashback in this one. There was! And it was pretty cool! Bran and the Tree Man watched Ned Stark and his gang of misfits take on Arthur Dayne and the remaining Kingsguard back in the day. It didn’t play out exactly like I thought it would (more on that in the book reader section below) and sadly, the Three-Eyed Raven didn’t let Bran see enough to confirm just what was in that Tower. Come on Three-Eyed Raven, you theory blocking, brah. Bros don’t block other bros theories! Jerk.

Next Episode Predictions

• Jon immediately changes his mind, claiming he’s made a huge mistake. Dolorous Edd has already caused irreparable damage to the Wall in the ten minutes that Jon’s been gone.
• Tormund Giantsbane spends the majority of the episode ripping Jon for having an average penis.
• Theon reaches the Iron Islands and is immediately drowned by his Uncle Euron.
• Tyrion forces Grey Worm to take his first drink. Grey Worm immediately begins weeping and makes Tyrion cuddle with him. Tyrion goes with the flow.
• Daenerys reminisces about the good old days of wandering around Qarth, screaming, “Give me back my dragons!”
• The Mountain also decides that life’s too short and walks away from his post as Cersei’s henchman to take up stand-up comedy.

Book Stuff

• I can’t believe all Howland Reed did to save Ned Stark was stab Arthur Dayne in the back. No elaborate net scheme? No poison darts from afar? Everything I know is wrong.
• The only hint as to Arya’s next direction is acting in a play, from her Winds of Winter sample chapter.
• I don’t imagine the show will have the time for Sam and Gilly to make a stopover in Braavos.
• I’m also assuming Jojen Paste (thankfully) won’t be addressed here.
• The Battle of Fire just has to be coming. Something needs to happen in Meereen and it’s the only plot development that makes sense.

 

Well gods damn, was that an episode or what? Not quite everything happened, but pretty friggin close to everything happened. Let’s get right to it.

Winterflay

For being a sadistic asshole, Ramsay Bolton sure is an insecure, emotional wreck. Roose Bolton isn’t exactly the most tender, caring father out there. Add to that Ramsay’s bastard birth and tenuous at best legitimized status and you have the recipe for disaster.

The birth of Roose’s legit son was it for Ramsay. He couldn’t risk his position as top Flayer. Daddy Roose and baby brother had to go. It figures that the one moment Roose finally let his guard down to show Ramsay an ounce of compassion was the moment he struck. Just like Roose done did Robb Stark under the Freys’ roof, Ramsay stabbed his pop right in the gut.

The whole maneuver showed a lot of cunning from Ramsay. However, it completely ignored strategy. He not only plans on attacking the Night’s Watch in Castle Black, but he also murdered two of Walder Frey’s 498 family members. You know, the same Walder Frey that plotted a King’s massacre over one of his kin getting snubbed for marriage. I can’t imagine the brutal murder of Fat Walda and Roose Jr. is going to sit well. If Ramsay thinks that this has a happy ending, then he hasn’t been paying attention.

One thing is certain, it’s gotta be pretty awful to be the maester of Winterfell at the moment. Poor guy.

Sowing Lessons

Hey, remember the Greyjoys? They’re still around! The Iron Islanders look to be playing their biggest role since Theon decided it was time to act like a MAN and conquer his former home for a couple weeks back in season 2.

Balon and Yara Greyjoy gave us a little recap of how thoroughly their dumb dumb dumb invasion of the North ultimately failed before Balon decided to take a little walk to one of the other structures in their ill-advised castle complex. Yeah, we’ll connect these towers with ROPE BRIDGES. Surely nothing could go wrong with such sturdy things to walk across. Certainly not in stormy weather. In Balon’s defense, it does look cool as hell and he certainly couldn’t have expected his brother to show up and throw him off said rope bridge.

Thus, the shittiest Vikings in Westeros are out one King and need to pick a new one. Time for a KINGSMOOT. What the heck is a Kingsmoot? Imagine if American elections were actually won by the group that yells the loudest. Trump would be a shoe-in.

Theon’s coming home at just the right time.

The Littlest Dragon

Not much on the Meereen front this week, which is, of course, fine. However, Tyrion did get a great moment with Daenerys’ two chained up dragons. The Dinkles does his usual terrific work showing Tyrion’s wonder and terror finally getting some up close and personal time with two creatures that he thought extinct just a year or two ago. Call him Big Balls Tyrion Lannister because getting that close to two dragons to unchain them is a gutsy move. Most people come out of that being swept up with a broom or pooped out.

King’s Shaming

Hey, brah, maybe publicly mocking Cersei Lannister isn’t the wisest move. Especially when there’s a Frankenmountain on the loose. Poor, drunk sap didn’t even know what hit him pounded his skull into a stain on a wall. That monstrosity is going to be unleashed on some sons of bitches soon and it is going to be rough.

Tommen’s own Kingsguard almost got a taste of the Frankenmountain’s man-sized sword when they impeded Cersei from attending her own daughter’s funeral. Little Tommen is both suspicious of Cersei’s role in the death of his sister and aSHAMEd (sorry) about letting the Faith Militant parade his mom around King’s Landing naked just to get out of church prison. It’s ok though, mommy’s here to abuse your power to keep you safe.

Things are beginning to boil over with the Faith and the crown. Margaery is still locked up. Cersei can’t even enter the Sept. Jaime’s confrontation with the High Sparrow showed just how much power the Faith has. Can’t a gold-handed man threaten a religious leader in peace? What’s a powerful, incestuous family to do?

Castle Black and Blue

And finally, on to our main course! I called it last week (as did most logical people) when I said that the Night’s Watch wouldn’t stand a chance against Dolorous Edd and the Wildlings. Wun Wun came in like a boss and threw Ser Alliser Thorne’s men around like the Hulk with Loki. Wun Wun smash!

The Night’s Watch is ultimately a bunch of scared, lonely men who have so little to cling to except for tradition and their mission. They’re not the brightest group, so they don’t know how to react when their mission drastically changes.

Now, half of the Watch is trapped in its own ice cells at the hands of their mortal enemies with other enemies closing in on them from both sides. The North is coming from the south for Sansa Stark. There’s that whole undead army approaching from the actual north.

These are desperate times for the people in Castle Black. There’s not a whole lot of hope or leadership around. Ser Davos doesn’t really have anywhere to turn but to the lady in red and her dark arts. They need Jon Snow. He’s the only one who has even attempted to unite the free folk and the people south of the Wall. Dude has prophecy written all over him. He’s a little stabbed, he’s still good, he’s still good!

And thus, Jon Snow is back. He couldn’t die permanently. Not yet, at least. Looking back, the deaths of Ned and Robb Stark were inevitable. Kings Robert and Joffrey needed to go. Who’s replacing Jon? This isn’t Dolorous Edd’s story. Ser Alliser isn’t the hero of destiny and other such stuff that the Wall needs. It always has been Jon Snow. Is it a little sooner than expected? Lil bit. Come on, Kit Harrington is only going to get paid to be a corpse for so long.

While Jon’s eyes opened up, there’s no telling how he’s going to be now that he’s alive again. Beric Dondarrion lost a little bit of his soul every time Thoros brought him back. Dondarrion also tended to be brought back pretty quickly. Jon’s been dead for a couple days. He could have Lazarus Pit craziness. He could have severe brain damage. Most likely, he’ll be a little more distant, a little more cold. I don’t care how distant and weird he is, as long as he gets to decapitate Ramsay. Give me the Bastard Bowl!

Questions

Is Arya still blind?

Yes, and still not Daredevil. She’s straight chumpin’. The nameless ones took her back, however, so that’s just swell.

Is Jon Snow still dead?

Did your DVR cut out early? Did you leave your friend’s house with one minute left in the episode because you’re a weirdo? You know he’s back, dawg.

Is Daenerys back in Meereen?

No. Who needs her, anyway? Tyrion’s gonna ride a dragon and flip Meereen the bird as it burns to ashes.

Did Ramsay really do that to Fat Walda and his newborn brother?

Yes, Ramsay is a human turd that will have to get flayed for multiple seasons to get what he deserves.

Is Melisandre hot again?

The necklace is back on baby, yeeeeeaaaahhhhh!

Is George R.R. Martin done The Winds of Winter yet?

lol seriously?

Next Episode Predictions

• Jon Snow is back and has an insatiable thirst…for sex. That’s right, everyone’s favorite Night’s Watchman is throwing caution to the wind and hitting on everyone and everything in sight. Chastity is for the living.
• Daenerys realizes that living out her days as a Dothraki crone really isn’t all that bad and accepts her new role. We never see her again.
• Tyrion and Varys hop on Rhaegal and Viserion and burn Meereen to the ground. We never see it again.
• Ser Jorah gives into the Greyscale that is overtaking his body and decides to strikes a cool pose before he turns to stone forever. He fails and is stuck scratching his butt for the rest of eternity.
• The Mountain takes Tommen for a ride on his shoulders. Tommen does not notice the trail of corpses they are leaving in their wake as he is having entirely too much fun.
• Melisandre has sex with everyone in Castle Black before revealing her true form. She cackles with glee as she flies off on a giant eagle or some shit.
• The Three-Eyed Raven makes Bran relive his parents’ wedding night, scarring him even further.

Book Stuff

• KINGSMOOT! It looks like the Crow’s Eye is here and ready to take the crown for himself. I’m curious to see if they are going to make Euron and Victarion one guy and leave the opposing viewpoints to Yara and Theon. EURON! KING!
• This episode was all about confirming book stuff. Jonny Snow’s resurrection, Balon’s killer. Let’s just get the author of the Pink Letter out of the way and we’re golden.
• A few seasons back, Melisandre made a side quest to grab Gendry from the Brotherhood Without Banners. This is a large divergence from the books, where she grabs Edric Storm for her sacrificial fun. This side quest ended up playing a role in Jon Snow’s resurrection as it provided Melisandre with the proof that R’hllor can bring someone back.
• Astapor and Yunkai are mentioned as having been retaken by the slavers in this episode. Are they setting up the Battle of Fire?