Well gods damn, was that an episode or what? Not quite everything happened, but pretty friggin close to everything happened. Let’s get right to it.

Winterflay

For being a sadistic asshole, Ramsay Bolton sure is an insecure, emotional wreck. Roose Bolton isn’t exactly the most tender, caring father out there. Add to that Ramsay’s bastard birth and tenuous at best legitimized status and you have the recipe for disaster.

The birth of Roose’s legit son was it for Ramsay. He couldn’t risk his position as top Flayer. Daddy Roose and baby brother had to go. It figures that the one moment Roose finally let his guard down to show Ramsay an ounce of compassion was the moment he struck. Just like Roose done did Robb Stark under the Freys’ roof, Ramsay stabbed his pop right in the gut.

The whole maneuver showed a lot of cunning from Ramsay. However, it completely ignored strategy. He not only plans on attacking the Night’s Watch in Castle Black, but he also murdered two of Walder Frey’s 498 family members. You know, the same Walder Frey that plotted a King’s massacre over one of his kin getting snubbed for marriage. I can’t imagine the brutal murder of Fat Walda and Roose Jr. is going to sit well. If Ramsay thinks that this has a happy ending, then he hasn’t been paying attention.

One thing is certain, it’s gotta be pretty awful to be the maester of Winterfell at the moment. Poor guy.

Sowing Lessons

Hey, remember the Greyjoys? They’re still around! The Iron Islanders look to be playing their biggest role since Theon decided it was time to act like a MAN and conquer his former home for a couple weeks back in season 2.

Balon and Yara Greyjoy gave us a little recap of how thoroughly their dumb dumb dumb invasion of the North ultimately failed before Balon decided to take a little walk to one of the other structures in their ill-advised castle complex. Yeah, we’ll connect these towers with ROPE BRIDGES. Surely nothing could go wrong with such sturdy things to walk across. Certainly not in stormy weather. In Balon’s defense, it does look cool as hell and he certainly couldn’t have expected his brother to show up and throw him off said rope bridge.

Thus, the shittiest Vikings in Westeros are out one King and need to pick a new one. Time for a KINGSMOOT. What the heck is a Kingsmoot? Imagine if American elections were actually won by the group that yells the loudest. Trump would be a shoe-in.

Theon’s coming home at just the right time.

The Littlest Dragon

Not much on the Meereen front this week, which is, of course, fine. However, Tyrion did get a great moment with Daenerys’ two chained up dragons. The Dinkles does his usual terrific work showing Tyrion’s wonder and terror finally getting some up close and personal time with two creatures that he thought extinct just a year or two ago. Call him Big Balls Tyrion Lannister because getting that close to two dragons to unchain them is a gutsy move. Most people come out of that being swept up with a broom or pooped out.

King’s Shaming

Hey, brah, maybe publicly mocking Cersei Lannister isn’t the wisest move. Especially when there’s a Frankenmountain on the loose. Poor, drunk sap didn’t even know what hit him pounded his skull into a stain on a wall. That monstrosity is going to be unleashed on some sons of bitches soon and it is going to be rough.

Tommen’s own Kingsguard almost got a taste of the Frankenmountain’s man-sized sword when they impeded Cersei from attending her own daughter’s funeral. Little Tommen is both suspicious of Cersei’s role in the death of his sister and aSHAMEd (sorry) about letting the Faith Militant parade his mom around King’s Landing naked just to get out of church prison. It’s ok though, mommy’s here to abuse your power to keep you safe.

Things are beginning to boil over with the Faith and the crown. Margaery is still locked up. Cersei can’t even enter the Sept. Jaime’s confrontation with the High Sparrow showed just how much power the Faith has. Can’t a gold-handed man threaten a religious leader in peace? What’s a powerful, incestuous family to do?

Castle Black and Blue

And finally, on to our main course! I called it last week (as did most logical people) when I said that the Night’s Watch wouldn’t stand a chance against Dolorous Edd and the Wildlings. Wun Wun came in like a boss and threw Ser Alliser Thorne’s men around like the Hulk with Loki. Wun Wun smash!

The Night’s Watch is ultimately a bunch of scared, lonely men who have so little to cling to except for tradition and their mission. They’re not the brightest group, so they don’t know how to react when their mission drastically changes.

Now, half of the Watch is trapped in its own ice cells at the hands of their mortal enemies with other enemies closing in on them from both sides. The North is coming from the south for Sansa Stark. There’s that whole undead army approaching from the actual north.

These are desperate times for the people in Castle Black. There’s not a whole lot of hope or leadership around. Ser Davos doesn’t really have anywhere to turn but to the lady in red and her dark arts. They need Jon Snow. He’s the only one who has even attempted to unite the free folk and the people south of the Wall. Dude has prophecy written all over him. He’s a little stabbed, he’s still good, he’s still good!

And thus, Jon Snow is back. He couldn’t die permanently. Not yet, at least. Looking back, the deaths of Ned and Robb Stark were inevitable. Kings Robert and Joffrey needed to go. Who’s replacing Jon? This isn’t Dolorous Edd’s story. Ser Alliser isn’t the hero of destiny and other such stuff that the Wall needs. It always has been Jon Snow. Is it a little sooner than expected? Lil bit. Come on, Kit Harrington is only going to get paid to be a corpse for so long.

While Jon’s eyes opened up, there’s no telling how he’s going to be now that he’s alive again. Beric Dondarrion lost a little bit of his soul every time Thoros brought him back. Dondarrion also tended to be brought back pretty quickly. Jon’s been dead for a couple days. He could have Lazarus Pit craziness. He could have severe brain damage. Most likely, he’ll be a little more distant, a little more cold. I don’t care how distant and weird he is, as long as he gets to decapitate Ramsay. Give me the Bastard Bowl!

Questions

Is Arya still blind?

Yes, and still not Daredevil. She’s straight chumpin’. The nameless ones took her back, however, so that’s just swell.

Is Jon Snow still dead?

Did your DVR cut out early? Did you leave your friend’s house with one minute left in the episode because you’re a weirdo? You know he’s back, dawg.

Is Daenerys back in Meereen?

No. Who needs her, anyway? Tyrion’s gonna ride a dragon and flip Meereen the bird as it burns to ashes.

Did Ramsay really do that to Fat Walda and his newborn brother?

Yes, Ramsay is a human turd that will have to get flayed for multiple seasons to get what he deserves.

Is Melisandre hot again?

The necklace is back on baby, yeeeeeaaaahhhhh!

Is George R.R. Martin done The Winds of Winter yet?

lol seriously?

Next Episode Predictions

• Jon Snow is back and has an insatiable thirst…for sex. That’s right, everyone’s favorite Night’s Watchman is throwing caution to the wind and hitting on everyone and everything in sight. Chastity is for the living.
• Daenerys realizes that living out her days as a Dothraki crone really isn’t all that bad and accepts her new role. We never see her again.
• Tyrion and Varys hop on Rhaegal and Viserion and burn Meereen to the ground. We never see it again.
• Ser Jorah gives into the Greyscale that is overtaking his body and decides to strikes a cool pose before he turns to stone forever. He fails and is stuck scratching his butt for the rest of eternity.
• The Mountain takes Tommen for a ride on his shoulders. Tommen does not notice the trail of corpses they are leaving in their wake as he is having entirely too much fun.
• Melisandre has sex with everyone in Castle Black before revealing her true form. She cackles with glee as she flies off on a giant eagle or some shit.
• The Three-Eyed Raven makes Bran relive his parents’ wedding night, scarring him even further.

Book Stuff

• KINGSMOOT! It looks like the Crow’s Eye is here and ready to take the crown for himself. I’m curious to see if they are going to make Euron and Victarion one guy and leave the opposing viewpoints to Yara and Theon. EURON! KING!
• This episode was all about confirming book stuff. Jonny Snow’s resurrection, Balon’s killer. Let’s just get the author of the Pink Letter out of the way and we’re golden.
• A few seasons back, Melisandre made a side quest to grab Gendry from the Brotherhood Without Banners. This is a large divergence from the books, where she grabs Edric Storm for her sacrificial fun. This side quest ended up playing a role in Jon Snow’s resurrection as it provided Melisandre with the proof that R’hllor can bring someone back.
• Astapor and Yunkai are mentioned as having been retaken by the slavers in this episode. Are they setting up the Battle of Fire?