Breakin’ oaths, bones, and dance moves, let’s talk Game of Thrones season 6, episode 3 already!

Fuck you, I’m Out!

There were a multitude of questions after Jon Snow’s resurrection last week, such as:

• Would it actually be Jon inhabiting his body?
• How would everyone react to the black magic that brought him back?
• Would Jon seek revenge on the members of the Night’s Watch that done him dirty?
• If Jon drinks a lot of water will all of the water come pouring out of his stab-holes?

Jon came back just fine, although a little freaked out by the whole resurrection. That’s not to mention that he’s a tad discouraged by the whole men he called his brothers stabbing him to death in the middle of Castle Black.

Snow’s disappointment and frustrations with the Night’s Watch have built up over the years, yet he’s always told himself that this is the life he’s chosen and these men were the only family he has. They rejected him when he brought the Wildlings through the Wall. Jon has seen the nothing that waits for him on the other side, why should he waste his second chance on a group that left him for dead in the cold? Jon watches the life fade from his chief rivals’ eyes, Ser Alliser and Ollie with no regrets despite the rope around their necks. He’s had enough, and leaves by dropping his cloak in Dolorous Edd’s confused hands, leaving the least qualified man since Tony Danza in charge. Edd’s in charge, of our dreams, of our liiiiives. 

If death and resurrection has one advantage, it’s providing Jon with the only loophole to leave the Night’s Watch without technically being a deserter. That’s right, Jon is skating by on a technicality. To be fair, the Night’s Watch is absolutely horrible.

Presumably, Jon is headed southbound towards his childhood home, with an army of Wildlings by his side. There’s a bastard battle a-brewin’ and the hype is strong. For god’s sake though, please don’t miss Sansa, Brienne, and Pod on the way there. We’ve had way too many missed connections already, Game of Thrones.

Hey, speaking of Winterfell, it sure looks like Ramsay just got a little (ok, he got pretty damn big) ace up his sleeve in the form of grown-ass teen, Rickon Stark. Smalljon Umber straight up selling Rickon and Osha out, what has this world come to? Poor Shaggydog. He deserved better. It’s not like he was the worst-named Stark direwolf. That honor goes to Summer. That’s lame and you know it, Bran.

Ramsay has the support of the major Northern houses and the oldest available at the moment legitimate male Stark heir (got all that?). Jon’s got a second chance from the Lord of Light, a Wildling army, and a giant. Leeeeeet’s go!

Crone Life

Daenerys gotta hang out with these old ladies for the rest of her life, smdh. That’s all I got. I hope Ser Jorah gets to stab bargain bin Khal in his stupid face.

Some Boat

Sam puked in a bucket and realizes that he has to go to his dickhead dad to see if they can take Gilly and the baby in while he does some book learning. Thankfully, no sign of his mast.

Mired in Meereen

Varys don’t play no games. The people of Meereen don’t know this yet. The only Spider people know in Meereen is the, well, spidery, kind. It’s about time we got to see Varys flex those political muscles overseas.

Sometimes it feels like there’s about 20 people in Meereen and they’re all bored. Tyrion can’t even have any fun, since Missandei and Grey Worm are basically sober mutes. Have you ever been the only one drinking at a party? It isn’t fun. You might as well get a sign saying, “Alcoholic. Please help.” Just have a drink with the man! No one wants sad, bored Tyrion!

Meereen needs some action real soon. The revelation that the Sons of the Harpy are being funded by everyone that Daenerys has pissed off is hopefully the start of something interesting.

King’s Landing

King’s Landing is in a transitional period as tensions mount. Tommen finally confronted the High Sparrow (unsuccessfully, of course). Cersei has Qyburn employing Varys’ child spies to find out who’s talking shit about her. The Tyrells are throwing all of the shade, even flat out calling out the fact that Cersei has the resurrected Mountain doing all of her dirty work. Robert Strong’s not a great alias for one of the most recognizable men in the world. Shit is going down any week now!

Daryadevil

Hey hey, Arya finally bested the blonde demon of the Faceless Men! Our little psychopath is growing a little more each day. The Faceless Men even sent the Starks a bumper sticker saying, “My child is an honor student at assassin school.” Unfortunately, Ramsay received it and fed it to a Reek.

With most GoT storylines, you have a pretty decent idea of where they’re heading. Jon and Ramsay are going to butt heads. Tensions between the Faith, Lannisters, and Tyrells are going to come to a (crushed) head in King’s Landing. Hot Pie is going to make and eat pies. Arya’s path isn’t so clear. What’s next for her? She’s done her best to prove herself. She’s got her sight back. She will need to prove that she is without a doubt a nameless assassin and not a Stark bent on vengeance. What proves that? Killing someone you love? Not killing someone on your hit list?

Tower of Joy

Sheeeeeeit, I bet you didn’t think there would be a Tower of Joy flashback in this one. There was! And it was pretty cool! Bran and the Tree Man watched Ned Stark and his gang of misfits take on Arthur Dayne and the remaining Kingsguard back in the day. It didn’t play out exactly like I thought it would (more on that in the book reader section below) and sadly, the Three-Eyed Raven didn’t let Bran see enough to confirm just what was in that Tower. Come on Three-Eyed Raven, you theory blocking, brah. Bros don’t block other bros theories! Jerk.

Next Episode Predictions

• Jon immediately changes his mind, claiming he’s made a huge mistake. Dolorous Edd has already caused irreparable damage to the Wall in the ten minutes that Jon’s been gone.
• Tormund Giantsbane spends the majority of the episode ripping Jon for having an average penis.
• Theon reaches the Iron Islands and is immediately drowned by his Uncle Euron.
• Tyrion forces Grey Worm to take his first drink. Grey Worm immediately begins weeping and makes Tyrion cuddle with him. Tyrion goes with the flow.
• Daenerys reminisces about the good old days of wandering around Qarth, screaming, “Give me back my dragons!”
• The Mountain also decides that life’s too short and walks away from his post as Cersei’s henchman to take up stand-up comedy.

Book Stuff

• I can’t believe all Howland Reed did to save Ned Stark was stab Arthur Dayne in the back. No elaborate net scheme? No poison darts from afar? Everything I know is wrong.
• The only hint as to Arya’s next direction is acting in a play, from her Winds of Winter sample chapter.
• I don’t imagine the show will have the time for Sam and Gilly to make a stopover in Braavos.
• I’m also assuming Jojen Paste (thankfully) won’t be addressed here.
• The Battle of Fire just has to be coming. Something needs to happen in Meereen and it’s the only plot development that makes sense.