After last week’s episode made tears well up in my super manly eyes, I needed a regular old transition episode of Game of Thrones to level me out. That’s what episode 6 is for, transitions! Still, a lot of shit happened.

Oh and by the way, I recorded a podcast with my buddy John, discussing the first 5 episodes of this season. Listen to it! Or don’t!

All-New Three-Eyed Raven

After getting his Direwolf, mentor, and Hodor killed, Bran’s looking like a real shithead. He doesn’t care though, dude is stuck in the past. Poor Meera has to drag him through the ice and snow while he’s going all white eyed in the weirwood network. Help a lady out, Bran!

Thankfully, help appears in the form of a badass rider with a fire chain and scythe thing. Is it Ghost Rider? No, no, Ghost Rider is terrible. It’s Reddit’s favorite character, Benjen Stark! After theorizing that he’s Daario, Euron, Ser Pounce, and R’hllor, the correct answer turned out to be that he’s undead beyond the wall.

It shouldn’t be entirely surprising that Benjen came back in some form. His presence has lingered in the show’s memory, even leaving his fate very ambiguous. Using Benjen as bait to murder Jon Snow in season 5’s finale wasn’t merely a coincidence, it was a reminder. Benjen’s back, baby! And totally not Daario!

The Terrible Tarlys

As you might have guessed, Samwell Tarly’s father is a real asshole. He forced his oldest son to join the murderers and rapists that make up the Night’s Watch these days to ensure that Sam wouldn’t inherit jack shit. While Sam is a fat wuss, he deserves better than that!

So, Sam’s got some repressed anger towards his father, even though he’s the type of person to never let that out. Still, Sam has a solid plan to ensure a future for Gilly and her baby: tell the Tarly family that it’s his bastard that he made with her while she was whoring around in Mole’s Town! Classic.

Unfortunately, Sam and Gilly are not masters of deception. Sam can’t simply lie to his father and brother and tell them that he’s been hunting deer up beyond the Wall. Gilly can’t help but defend Sam against his dickhead father and blurts out that they traveled south towards the Wall, blowing the lid on her background as a Wildling. Still, Pa Tarly was going to let Gilly and little (huge baby) Sam stay at Horn Hill while saying a permanent, “GOOD DAY” to his eldest son after having a dinner straight out of Step Brothers (Sam is a combination of Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly while his bro is Adam Scott obviously).

Enough’s enough. While Sam won’t directly stand up to his permanently frowny faced father, he is willing to secretly rebel by stealing the house Valyrian sword, Heartsbane. Where is he going to take Gilly and the baby now? Is he still planning to become a Maester, or does he take that White Walker killing blade back North, where it’s needed most? There’s only one candidate to inherit Heartsbane, Sam. Dolorous Edd. Do it.

Faceless Meh

Arya has spent a decent amount of time learning how to be an assassin with the Faceless Men. She’s learned how to blend in, be everyone and no one. She’s learned how to kill in all different manners. Yet, she’s not quite there yet. She’s still got a heart. She still has a personality. That just can’t stand if you want to honor the many-faced god.

Ned Stark’s younger daughter just can’t pull the trigger on an innocent woman, even one who is portraying one of the top people on her hit list, Cersei Lannister. The play is such an interesting setup for Arya’s final test. It prominently features the death of her father. She leaves just before the death of her temporary semi-mentor Tywin. The actress playing her sister is the scheming ladder climber (the perfect companion for Petyr “chaos is a ladder” Baelish). It’s Arya’s “Ghost of Christmas Past”.

Arya’s rejection of the assassin’s life has painted a target on her head that her old pal, The Waif, just can’t wait to aim for. Arya’s worn her share of faces and names, ultimately, it’s the sword she got from her brother that doesn’t share her true name that she holds on to as she waits to look death in the eye.

Faith V Crown

The forces of the Faith and the Crown finally came to a…peaceful settlement? Queen Margaery helped herself by converting her young husband to the High Sparrow’s way of thinking. I’m sure the High Sparrow is disappointed though. You know he’s in it for the booooooobz and do not try to tell me otherwise.

The Crown-Faith treaty screws over the Tyrells, who look like a bunch of big dumb-dumbs with their entire army marching into the city for no reason, as well as Jaime Lannister, who is out as the head of the Kingsguard.

Somewhere in the great beyond, Tywin Lannister is very slightly smiling. Like, the corner of his mouth budged. Tywin wasn’t much for smiles. With his son out of the Kingsguard, he finally has an appropriate Lannister heir out in the world. I mean, yeah, Jaime kind of threw the new family sword in his dad’s face and all. What else is he going to do after he takes care of family business? He’s been banned from King’s Landing! It’s for the best, the place is kind of a cesspool.

Now, Jaime heads north to take Riverrun back from the Blackfish on behalf of those gross Freys. Hey, wait a second, Brienne is also headed to Riverrun? Wow, it’s almost as if these two are on a collision course or something. WOW.

Khal Drogon

And in classic Daenerys fashion, she finishes the episode off for seemingly no reason. Perhaps it’s just to serve as a remind that while the Lannisters break apart and the North fights, Dany is as committed to taking the Iron Throne as ever, this time with an even larger Dothraki army at her back.

And, oh yeah, a huge fucking dragon! Dany leaves for a minute and just manages to pop back up with Drogon. Maybe she found a dragon ocarina or something. I know she named her entire Khlasar her blood riders, but what if her blood riders are actually her dragons? Or she names a couple people dragon riders??? THINK ABOUT IT.

Next Episode Predictions

• Sam’s father catches up with him on the high seas. He swings onto Sam’s ship, pirate style, and repeatedly slaps him in the face while swinging back and forth on his rope.
• Arya and the Waif fight for a minute before realizing this is all silly and sorting out their issues over a cup of coffee.
• Arya finds a convenient ride home when Gendry just happens to pop up on shore in his tiny boat. He has not left it since season 2 and has forgotten how to walk.
• Jaime attempts to ease the tension with the Blackfish by starting off their conversation with a series of hand-related jokes. They do not go over well.
• Sansa reveals to Jon that she met with Littlefinger. Jon tells her that he has literally no idea who that is.
• Ser Jorah discovers the world’s first moisturizing cream, thus saving himself from Greyscale and making himself that much more pleasant to the ladies.
• The Sand Snakes wave at the camera from the background, subtly reminding the audience that they are, in fact, still a thing.

Book Stuff

• I love how show Randyll Tarly is just hanging around the old property, hunting stuff and mocking his son’s weight. Ehhhh, that whole Brienne journey around the countryside where he pops up isn’t that great anyway.
• Jaime’s storyline from A Feast for Crows is all coming together. Minus the whole hating Cersei and learning to be his own man thing. If anything, it seems as if Jaime is getting right back to being his old, cocky, two-handed self. You know, without actually having two hands again.
• Considering that this Jaime still madly loves his sister and is not the conflicted man of the book at this juncture, would Brienne still have as much of an issue if they came into conflict. “Oh yeah, hang that guy. What a dick!” (I love dickhead Jaime Lannister for the record)
• We got our first Brotherhood Without Banners mention in a while. That can’t be a crazy random happenstance. Who is leading the Brotherhood right now? It certainly seems like the show isn’t going to touch Lady Stoneheart, but you never know!
• Give me Frey pies or give me death.