Intros are stupid, let’s get to it.

Riverrunaround

The Freys’ siege of Riverrun is just as bad as you’d anticipate it would be. They’re the McPoyle family of Westeros, what with their floppy hats and missing teeth. Jaime and Bronn arrive just in time to take things over from Liam and Ryan Frey before they accidentally drown in the moat or something.

Of course, then he has to deal with the Blackfish. The stubborn old bastard would sooner die than give the castle he was born in over to the fiends that organized his sister and nephew’s murders. Buckle up, Jaime, this might be a long siege.

Secret Garden

Margaery appeared to give in to the High Sparrow and the Faith Militant last week, without having to go for a nude stroll through filthy King’s Landing. The High Sparrow is still creepin’ though, asking why she hasn’t gotten busy making babies with her husband. Back off, man!

The High Sparrow is all about moving that agenda forward, basically telling Margaery to tell her grandmom, the Queen of Thorns, to get the hell out of King’s Landing. That’s one stubborn old lady, it would take a lot to get her to move. Secret Rose Note! That means…something. So the queen is up to some…thing…yes…

At least Lady Olenna takes one more opportunity to call Cersei an idiot before she bugs out of town. That’s what Ned Stark should have done. Shut up, dummy, I’m going home.

Stark-Aid

The reunited Stark kids have burning desire to retake their ancestral home. There’s one problem, the need an army made up of more than just Wildlings and Ser Davos’ finger pouch if they have any hope of retaking one of the toughest fortresses in the North.

As the Boltons control most of the major houses in the North at the moment, Jon and Sansa have to resort to rallying the smaller houses that are still loyal to the Stark family. There’s the Mormonts, home of the dead Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch (the one that stayed dead) and everyone’s favorite Greyscale havin’ Khaleesi yeller, Ser Jorah. Their tiny, fierce Lord Lyanna rightly points out that Jon is a rotten Snow and Sansa has married both Lannister and Bolton. Thankfully, Ser Davos is there to say, “Stop busting our balls, there’s a whole mess of ice zombies coming!”

A few stops on the old recruiting trip do not prove nearly as fruitful as Jonsa (Sanson?) would have liked. They need a lot more men if they’re going to take Winterfell. Sansa knows a really reliable, totally trustworthy guy who has an army and is willing to help! Light the Littlefinger signal! What is it, like, an outline of a weasel or something?

Personally, I still think Jon’s manbun is hurting the cause. You know what to do, Jonny Snow.

Ironporn

We got a little peek at what Theon and Yara are up to, mostly to reach this season’s boob quota. Yes, they made a stop in at a brothel. There are needs that the Ironborn that still have penises attached need to fulfill. Scratch that, maybe I should say “Ironborn that still have sex drives”. Yara likes the ladies! Look at all these surprised fa…ok it ain’t exactly a shocker.

Yara’s plan is to beat out Uncle Euron in pledging allegiance to the Dragon Queen down in Meereen. They do have the boats, although they lack the swagger and madness. Those are important factors when trying to entice a Targaryen. If only Theon could get back to his old, cocky self. If only he had said cock. Alas.

The Hound is Back in Toooooown

Oh yes, you’re damn right that when Sandor Clegane went down to Brienne of Tarth a couple seasons back that I knew the Hound would eventually be back. Area leaving the toughest SOB in Westeros for dead doesn’t mean that he’s really dead. And boom, here he is, splitting logs like he used to split skulls.

Clegane looks to have given up the murderous life and settled for helping out a tiny religious community the needs lots of firewood. Said community is led by Deadwood’s AL SWEARENGEN. WOW. Wait, no, he’s playing Septon Meribald Brother Ray, a religious man out to make a small, peaceful community. How sweet. There’s nary a cocksucker to be found.

TARNATION, there’s BANDITS roaming about too! I bet you were expecting Seven Samurai or something with the Hound and Septon. Nooooope. Everyone got jacked up while the Hound was out debranching a tree or some shit. His new buddy, Ray, got hanged. Come on Clegane!

The Hound will surely blame his old foes in the Brotherhood Without Banners, as the men who threatened the community mentioned the Lord of Light. Maybe he’ll take them out before moseying on down to King’s Landing to find his undead brother running around and finally have a chance to take out the number one person on his hit list. I wonder if he’s got Arya on there too. Hey, speaking of Arya…

Waifing

Arya made a bold decision in choosing to go against the Faceless Men’s orders to kill an innocent actress. You can take a Stark out of Winterfell, but you can’t take Winterfell out of a Stark. Wait, that’s not right. The point is, honor ultimately wins out in the Starks. It’s killed most of them, but it’s there, dammit.

Arya knows that her decision has painted a giant target on her back. She’s got to get the hell back to Westeros! She’s a clever girl, she knows that the war torn country an ocean away is safer than trying to hide from two assassins who could be literally anyone.

Except she forgot that “could be literally anyone” part and got done stabbed by the Waif! Stupid Arya let her guard down for a little old lady. Foolish! It’s as I always say, “Never trust the elderly. They smell weird and like bad candy.” Come on Arya, don’t you remember that your assassin buddies have an entire basement emporium of faces to wear?

Next Episode Predictions

• Sam accidentally throws Heartsbane into the sea. Whoopsie daisy!
• Arya is stabbed by the Waif in every conceivable disguise. Baby, 45-year-old man, Hodor. You name it, she Waifs it.
• The Blackfish plays around with the drawbridge on Riverrun until the chains snap.
• Brienne arrives at Riverrun only to find the gigantic Lannister army surrounding it. She turns around the tells Sansa that the Blackfish was nowhere to be found.
• Tyrion and Varys find out that Daenerys will be home any day now and scramble to clean up the epic mess they’ve made in the throne room.
• Sansa has to make 100 more snow Winterfells that Robin Arryn can destroy before he’ll agree to support her and Jon against the Boltons.

Book Stuff

• I guess we can safely say that gravedigger = Hound is CONFIRMED now.
• Can we so go ahead and confirm Cleganebowl??? How sweet would it be to see Cersei March her champion, The Mountain, up there, and have her son’s former dog and the Mountain’s one time brother win the day and sentence her to death? A Lannister always pays his debts, and Cersei owes the many-faced God a substantial one at this point.
• Soooooo, is Septon Meribald going to show up, or was Brother Ray him, or what the what?
• Quentyn doesn’t exist in show continuity, so there hasn’t been anyone that has shared his girly, sad fate. Theon and Yara are now headed to Meereen. Come on, who doesn’t want to see Theon utter a final, “Oh.” It doesn’t make sense, but since when has that mattered?