Kick this shit into high gear because we are headed into the sixth season’s stretch run!

Brother Hound (OR A History of Crotch Violence)

Last week, we found out that the Hound was alive and (relatively) well. He made a friend and quickly lost him. Such is life when you’re one of the toughest SOBs in Westeros. There is no peace for Sandor Clegane. What do you do when you’re The Hound and your new friend is murdered? You go murder the hell out of the murderers.

Oh, how those murderers got murdered. The Hound walks up without saying a word and starts swinging that axe. Guys getting chopped up as Clegane walks around like Westerosi Clint Eastwood. The Man With No Face. One guy even gets that vengeful axe to the uh, nether regions. My gawd!

Eventually, Clegane makes his way to the Brotherhood Without Banners proper, who have already taken their renegade member and placed him in a noose. Maybe The Hound can join up with them, roaming the countryside and defending the little guy. Or he can just march around and kill whoever he wants. It’s a tough call.

I would say that he could march down to King’s Landing and represent the Faith against his undead brother, but noooooooo. Tommen had to go and proclaim that trial by combat is off the books. No Cleganebowl. Christmas is off, kids. Sorry.

Arya Stark and the All-Dead Waif

Arya flunked out of assassin school. Don’t sweat it, kid, happens to the best of us. Of course, most schools don’t try to kill you when you when you flunk out.

Thus, we have reached the end of the road for Arya and her quest to be “No One”. She’s tried to move on to a world where she isn’t an honorable to a fault Stark and it just isn’t for her. Either Arya was going to get back home, or the Waif was going to add one more face to Faceless Men’s vast collection.

The Waif and Arya’s final bout was a thrilling, desperate race across Braavos, reminiscent of the end chase from The Matrix. Arya’s a lot like Neo. They both try to surpass their lives and become badasses with the help of mysterious older men. Neo can access any of type of weapon or fighting style in the blink of an eye. Arya knows how to catch cats and stab people with a thin sword. Neo’s name is an anagram for “One”. Arya’s name is an anagram for…uh…Yara? Raya? Wait, I have this. A Ray! Of hope or some shit. Nailed it.

This chase leads to Arya’s ultimate badass moment. The Waif thinks she has her cornered. This is the end of the line for her annoying rival. Oh, but what’s this, Arya led her back to her hidey hole where she keeps Needle? Whatever, this is little more than a desperate last stand. Then Arya shuts the lights off with one flick of her wrist. DAAAAAYYYYUMMMMM. So cool.

Good news, though, it turns out she passed Braavosi Badass Academy by killing the Waif (and posting her bloody face up in the House of Black and White). Mazel Tov! It turns out that Arya is through with trying to be no one. She is Arya Stark, and she’s going home to find her family and fix her home. The band is getting back together, you guys!

Siege the Day

Jaime Lannister is not ready for a two year siege. He’s got a sister to make sweet love to and…well, that’s all he’s got planned.

The Blackfish isn’t budging, so Jaime has to think outside the box. He’s got a couple of options. Brienne just happened to show up to ask Brynden Tully for help with Jon and Sansa’s forces up north. She could lure the Blackfish out. There’s also Edmure Tully, who has been sitting around, apparently getting shaved in a cell each day.

Technically, dumb old Edmure is the Lord of Riverrun at the moment. Who are the men on the walls to deny him entrance to his home? One threat of throwing Eddy Tully’s baby into a catapult later, he’s walking into Riverrun and betraying his Uncle. His father would be so proud.

It all works out really nicely for Jaime. He gets his victory and he doesn’t have to fight his best friend. Yeah, Bronn thinks Jaime and Brienne are playing “Hide the Maester” (wait, what?), but their relationship goes way deeper than the desires of Tumblr. They’ve been through so much shit. Jaime jumped into a scary bear pit! They’re just really good friends that exchange perhaps their last look as good friends as Brienne floats up the river, back to the rebellious forces she has sworn to fight for.

Varys Out!

Varys is leaving. Either he has finally had enough of Tyrion’s jokes about his lack of a penis, or his Eunuch sense is going crazy, because he got out just before the shit hit the fan. The Masters are here to ruin everyone’s good time. Of course Tyrion’s plan to negotiate with the slavers backfired on him. Why wouldn’t it? This is Game of Thrones and shit doesn’t get resolved in a neat and clean manner.

It’s a shame, too, because Tyrion finally got Grey Worm and Missandei to drink a little wine and try their hand at the ancient art of joking. It’s like getting your uptight friend to finally let loose when a car explodes in front of your house. And then your mom shows up on her dragon and is not happy.

Props to Danaerys on the entrance. Having your dragon drop you off on the roof is baller as all heck. Please don’t throw Tyrion over the balcony. He meant well!

Next Episode Predictions

• Arya magically makes it to Winterfell in time to see Jon and Ramsay locked in combat. She attempts to stab Ramsay with Needle, but the blade bounces off of him and runs through Jon’s heart. Ramsay then mounts the entire Stark family’s heads in his playroom and turns them into a drum set.
• Cersei escapes from King’s Landing on The Mountain’s back on a quest to kill as many things as possible.
• Davos runs away to the sea and finally fulfills his destiny, becoming Westeros’ Aquaman.
• Now that Edmure Tully is kind of free, he has to eat dinner with father-in-law, Walder. Tonight’s special? Chicken broth and a little stale bread. Edmure asks for Jaime’s catapult.

Book Stuff

• Beric Dondarrion is still alive and well, so it looks like Lady Stoneheart still isn’t in the cards. Here’s my shocked face.
• The Battle of Fire is considerably different in the show. In the book, the battle is well under way while Daenerys is off getting dysentery in the Dothraki Sea. With Dany and her largest dragon back just in time for the action, the odds are looking considerably up for Team Dragon Queen.
• Varys is leaving. Cersei might be on her way out of King’s Landing (or life in general). Qyburn has mentioned the Little Bird network a few times. I sure would not feel great if I’m Kevan Lannister right now. Dude got about 5 seconds of power in the books before he met those teeny, tiny Birds.