Game of Throooooones is back! These 7 episodes are gonna go by way too quickly. Just going an extra few months without new Thrones made me temporarily forget just how much I loved the madness of Westeros. Within seconds of that “Previously On” montage, I was back, dreaming of bloody vengeance and beheadings of all sorts. Welcome back, Game of Thrones. Now, I just have to figure out how to write these within a day again…

The Red Company Happy Hour

Easily, one of the most satisfying moments in season 6 was Arya slitting Walder Grey’s wrinkled old throat. That old bastard had cackled and gloated about his betrayal for far too long. Of course, Walder couldn’t kill the Starks all on his own. His (all too large) family had to pay as well. The opening to the season 7 premiere leaves you with a head scratching moment when it opens up with Walder Frey addressing a room full of the best and brightest of the Frey family (these are very loose terms in this case). Is this a flashback? Hell no, it’s not a flashback. Arya has taken the ancient face of Walder Frey for herself!

The scene wisely builds up to the Arya reveal, as Walder begins to talk about their conquest over the Starks in less than flattering terms, what with the murdering a pregnant woman and a mother in cold blood. You get a glass of poison, and you get a glass of poison! Poison for all!

Arya can check The Twins off of her Westeros reunion tour. What’s next, does she reunite with her remaining siblings? Nah, Arya ain’t got time for that. She’s got a queen to kill. Not even a Lannister acapella group can slow her down. That is what that was right? Certainly they couldn’t be soldiers. I mean, did you hear the voice on that one guy? He could be a professional or something! For the record, I used to mix up Ed Sheeran with Ed Kowalczyk from the 90s band Live. These two people could not be more different.

I tried to come up with a series of terrible Lannister acapella group names, but my knowledge of musical terms is as limited as the number of things that make Jon Snow happy.

Stark Squabbles

Ohhhh snap, Sansa and Jon are at odds! The driving point in the disagreement between Jon and Sansa is the willingness to play the game. Much like the man who raised him, Jon Snow shies away from politics and just wants to cut through the bullshit to the real principle at hand. Sansa has been hanging out with Cersei and Littlefinger for the past couple years. She has seen the danger of not playing the game.

Nobody wants this, Sansa. Just, I don’t know, have Brienne toss Littlefinger off of a tall tower and make up some lame excuse. I doubt anyone will miss him. I must have vengeance for Petyr Baelish! “Sure, he was a grade-A creep who’s betrayed anyone who has every trusted him, but he was our creep.” This phrase will never be uttered.

Shitty Times at Maester High

Sam was so happy when he got to the Citadel. Look at this place of learning! All of the knowledge is here! Nothing could go wrong for old Sam now that he’s got all the books.

Yeeeeaaahh, Sammy boy is low man on the totem pole in the Maester U. As new guy, his duties include:

• Returning any number of the 2 trillion books that the Citadel library contains.
• Serving slop in the cafeteria.
• Weighing human organs.
• Cleaning up the actual shit of dying old men.

Obviously, things are not going according to plan. Still, this has to be a little better than freezing to death while eating hard, salted meat and stale bread.

Sam desperately wants to help his companions in the Night’s Watch out with their White Walked infestation. To do that, he needs to get into the restricted area of the library, where the Maesters keep all their most disturbing pornagraphy. Why would you lock up those books if there wasn’t some depraved stuff in there? Perverts, the lot of ‘em! ::spits::

Haunted Hound

Gregor Clegane has stabbed, drank, and pillaged his way across the seven kingdoms. Ever since he nearly died at the hands of Brienne, he’s been a changed man. For the first time since reforming, the Hound is confronted with a misdeed from his past. Yes, it was a big time dick move stealing that dad’s money and leaving him for dead. Low and behold, that father and daughter are dead. Clegane, you jerk!

The Hound is changing, though. Clegane’s heart grew three sizes on the day he was left bleeding out on a hill by Arya Stark. He’s willing to hang out with smelly religious fanatics and listen to them when they say, “Look in this fire, man who’s had half his face burnt off.” That’s like asking a bullied nerd to look deeply into this toilet.

The Hound has seen the armies of the dead in the fire. We’re most likely not getting CLEGANEBOWL on the show. However, there is a very real possibility of Hound vs. White Walker Giant. I am 1000% down for this.

Cersei in Charge

Cersei’s first decree as queen was having various badass black outfits made for her, for intimidation purposes, of course. Cersei’s second decree was nun torture. Cersei’s third decree appears to have been commissioning a huge floor painting of Westeros, what for dramatic exposition and evil scheming. She’s the best super villain there is.

So, what’s up with Euron Greyjoy? Is he auditioning for Judas Priest? This is the look of a man about to thrust his groin towards a large crowd. Euron claims to want to marry Cersei and wants to give her a “priceless gift”. Let’s guess what that could be!

• Tyrion in a box
• Double V Neck Guitar
• Dragon egg
• A really nice candle
• The DVD of Goodfellas that’s two-sided so you actually need to flip the disc mid-movie
• The long-lost true heir to the Targaryen throne that everyone forgot about until just now
• Pogs

He’s not making it back, is he?

The Dragons are Here!

It’s true, it’s true, Daenerys and her crew have finally left Mereen for the frosty shores of Westeros! All you see in this episode is her getting back to Dragonstone and checking out the castle’s many badass dragon statues and its cool Westeros table. It looks like whoever designed Dragonstone really wanted to give its visitors a workout getting from the beach to the castle. Stannis’ calves must have been amazing.

You just know that if the Dany returning to Dragonstone scene was written from Tyrion’s perspective in A Song of Ice and Fire that George R.R. Martin would make repeated references to how much his legs hurt from the long walk. Dude loves writing about little person leg cramps almost as much as loves writing about medieval food and pink masts.

Soon, Targaryen and Lannister forces will be fighting, and dragons will be blowing stuff up. Gimme, gimme gimme.

By the way, how badass is the throne at Dragonstone? It rules. It’s the most metal thrones ever made. Yes, that includes the Iron Throne, which is made from melted friggin swords.

Next Episode Predictions

• Theon accidentally burns down the Iron Fleet and has to flee yet another home. He ends up as Bran’s new Hodor in Castle Black.
• Lady Olenna says something so sassy that Cersei actually feels it in King’s Landing.
• Apparently popular singer and big time ginger ED SHEERAN is made a permanent cast member and given even more lines, plus two original songs an episode from here on out. Everyone will love it.
• Ser Jorah finally writes a heartfelt letter to Daenerys from his greyscale throne. Unfortunately, he only write “Y U FRIEND ZONE ME KHALEESI???” over and over.
• The Hound becomes a pyromaniac as he becomes obsessed with seeing things in the fire.

Book Stuff

• I’m assuming we’re not going to delve into a grand Maester conspiracy storyline. There is zero time for that on the show.
• Euron Greyjoy is on a quest for Danaerys in the the books, and actually sends Victarion to impress/kidnap her while she is still in Meereen. His interaction with Cersei is most likely more necessity than mixing things up for the sake of mixing things up. Right? It’s either that or they introduced the character and simply had no idea what to do with him. Hell, I’m still not convinced that George R.R. Martin knows what he’s doing with Euron/Victarion. Fuckin’ Greyjoys, amirite?