The Best Laid Plans of Dragons and Ironmen

90% of episode two was a classic Game of Thrones setup episode. It’s not the first time that GoT has pulled the old rope-a-dope, but it’s always a relief after a slow one. Stormborn was largely about moving the pieces into place for the next great war. Cersei and Jaime need to rally what few allies the Lannisters have. Daenerys needs to burn down King’s Landing without actually burning down King’s Landing. It is quite a conundrum.

Due to the whole not wanting to kill all of her future servants thing, Dany and Tyrion have a plan to lay siege to King’s Landing and starve Cersei and co. out. It’s a solid enough plan. Too bad Euron Greyjoy had to crash the party.

Euron took a giant dump in my face for making fun of him last week. Dude took pirating to the next level this week, killing a man with the very thing he used to board the other ship! That was some straight up Lord of the Rings shit. The end of episode two might have been sneakily low budget, what with the no backgrounds and all, but it still looked fantastic. The image of cinders floating through the air as Greyjoy ships burned and Greyjoy men were slaughtered was quite cinematic. Not so cinematic? Theon foregoing the fight with his batshit uncle to try and save Yara.

Theon’s choice of flight over fight, even for the life of his sister, isn’t the most surprising. After all, leaping away from his problems was what finally got him away from the clutches of Ramsay. A good number of viewers must have chuckled when Yara stated that her brother was her protector. Theon is shattered. He is a broken man who wants to be whole but just can’t put himself back together. Looking into his uncle’s eyes just reminded him of Ramsay’s mad gaze.

Yara and Theon let down their guard and they got burnt. Daenerys’ fleet is gone. Dorne’s leadership is in tatters. The Sand Snakes have been decimated. THE SAND SNAKES. How can this show go on without such vital, beloved characters? There’s simply no way to know.

Euron has his prize for Cersei, in the form of her daughter’s killer. Cersei’s got a giant dragon-killing arrow. Just like that, the tide has turned before the war has even started. There’s a million questions, but none more important than, “DOES THIS MEAN THEON GETS TO GO TO THE WALL AND BECOME BRAN’S NEW HODOR?” One can only hope.

Snubbed By the Wolf

OR

Hot Damn, it’s Hot Pie!

There were no celebrity run-ins for Arya Stark this week. Instead, we got something way better – the return of HOT PIE!

Yes, Hot Pie. The greatest Thrones character of them all. His reunion with Arya warmed my cold, dead heart in a way that Thrones so rarely does. Yes, that includes the moment when “Arry” slyly references the time she made actual human men into pies for another member of their family to eat.

Arya also reunited with another old friend, however this one was not as pleased to see her. Her old direwolf companion, Nymeria, appeared, with a new pack and a new life. On the one hand, she left her all alone. On the other hand, she left her alive and unharmed. I imagine the continued beating of her heart is a win for Arya.

What does this encounter mean for Arya? Her wolf is no longer her wolf. It could mean that she can’t go home to Jon and Sansa. She is no longer the little girl they knew when the Starks left for King’s Landing. But, Nymeria was not alone. She had found her place among the wolves. Arya was determined to go kill Cersei until she found out that her kin had taken back Winterfell. What I’m getting at is that Arya needs to form an elite kill squad. You know, the logical conclusion.

Adventures in Manscaping

Prior to Arya’s reunion with Hot Pie, “Stormborn” had focused on Sam Tarly and his misery with the “Charlie Work” of Old Town. Well, Sam has had enough of cleaning up shit and not doing shit. He’s here to actually help someone! And that someone just happens to be Ser Jorah Mormont!

Last time we saw Ser Jorah, he had a bit of Greyscale creeping its way up his hairy arms. Now, it’s a whole lot worse. Jorah is pretty screwed. That is, if Sam can’t help him.

Much like you following a frittata recipe on YouTube, Sam is operating on Jorah’s awful skin disease with a tool in one hand, and a book in the other. It doesn’t look pleasant for either party. Jorah’s got the immense pain and the need to keep his screams muffled. Sam has to remove jacked up skin and wade through puss and the like. Can you believe they transitioned from Jorah’s pussy Greyscale skin to a fresh shepherd’s pie? Damn you to hell, Game of Thrones.

Look, all I know is, this is a big opportunity for Sam. How many dermatologists do they have in Westeros? There might be one in Highgarden, but that is it. This is an unexplored market! Get on top of that, Sammy boy.

Going to Dragonstone with an Aching in My Gut

Jon Snow came to Winterfell to chew salted beef and make unpopular decisions. He’s all out of salted beef. Yes, despite literally dying for making tough, unpopular decisions with his followers, here’s Jon Snow telling everyone that he’s headed to Dragonstone to ask for help from Daenerys Targaryen.

Now, we as viewers know this is the correct choice. She’s sitting on a mountain of dragon glass and has three freakin’ dragons. Dragonstone is your one-stop shop for anti-White Walker supplies these days. The people of the North, well, they don’t know any better. Northern leadership’s excursions south have led to:

• Set on fire
• Beheading
• Stabbed to death at a wedding

That’s not a remotely good track record. When the North hears, “Come to the south, we’ll get together, we’ll have a few laughs,” they actually hear “COME TO YOUR DOOM”. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me four times and I am confirmed as a glutton for punishment.

Jon really has no choice. He needs to go to Dany and ask for a bowl of obsidian. No, he doesn’t want to do that. Dragons are super scary, getting the car out of the driveway is going to suck in the snow, and he’s finally just getting his new bed in Winterfell the way he likes it (stiff as a board, with just a teensy bit of softness). He doesn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to become leader of the Knight’s Watch, get stabbed to death, and be brought back by an ancient crone disguised as a hot priestess either. Yet, here he is. Jon is going to Dragonstone with Ser Davis in tow.

Next Episode Predictions

• Last week I wrote, “Theon accidentally burns down the Iron Fleet and has to flee yet another home. He ends up as Bran’s new Hodor in Castle Black.“ Well, the former Reek didn’t quite burn down the fleet, but he did abandon ship at a crucial juncture. Honestly, where the hell else can Theon go? He’s not going back to Dragonstone. Dude is definitely gonna end up as Dragon Chow if he does that. He can’t go Winterfell, King’s Landing, or the Iron Islands. He can either go east to Essos or north to the Wall. God help me if he goes to Essos.
• Additionally in accurateish predictions: was Jorah’s heartfelt letter to Daenerys really that much better than, “Y U FRIEND ZONE ME KHALEESI???”.
• Jon and Ser Davos reenact Jaws on the way down to Dragonstone. Well, except for the fact that Davos can’t do much chalkboard scraping when he’s missing all those fingers.
• Tyrion changes the plan to invade Casterly Rock from a full invasion of the Unsullied and Dothraki into a two man Metal Gear Solid stealth mission run by him and Grey Worm. Imp? IMP!? IMMMMMPPPPPPPPPP!!!!
• Littlefinger is caught taking a drunken leak on Ned Stark’s crypt. He talks his way out of it and smirks. Because Littlefinger.

Book Stuff

• I got nothin’ this week. Something something Aegon.