Month: August 2017

Running Scared

Okay, okay, my prediction about Jaime Lannister ending up a prisoner of Daenerys was way off. But, he’s alive! A guy can still hope for death by heavy golden hand.

Jaime managed to survive his encounter with Drogon thanks to Bronn’s quick reflexes and love of a good paycheck. The one-hand Lan man* is all shook up after seeing the devastation that a dragon brings to the table up close and personal. Their one weapon, a super big crossbow, didn’t get the job done. What else do they have? The Mountain can only reach so far.

*Editor’s note: Please, for the love of god, stop trying to make nicknames.

Daenerys’ scorched Westeros policy seems to have succeeded, insofar as inspiring the mass crapping of crimson and gold pants. That crapping can go a bit too far, though. She requests the bending of knees, but she’s not getting them from those old Tarly boys. Yes, those same Tarlys that abandoned Highgarden just a week ago are drawing a line in the sand when it comes to bowing down for another ruler. Fool me once, etc. I suppose. Stern papa Tarly and plain brother Tarly chose burnination over subjugation. That’s a far shittier way to go than drowning from a big gold hand in my humble opinion. Maybe ease it back, Dany. Lady, you’re scaring us!

Things are looking bad for the Lannisters. Things are so bad, that Cersei may actually…negotiate? No, I don’t like this one bit. Cersei has shown us previously that she’ll lay down in the weeds and hide her agenda just to strike at the most opportune moment. Always think like Admiral Ackbar when it comes to Cersei.

In that regard, Jaime, bruh, I’d be wary about this pregnancy announcement from your sister/lover. She’s not above using her own family. Who’s ready for another Lannister family roll of the dice? You only have a 33% chance of ending up with a total monster. I like those odds!

Sneaky Petyr

Continuing with the theme of always assuming people are trying to entrap you, Littlefinger is starting to make some moves. Arya, of course, doesn’t trust that human snake. Baelish, clever guy that he is, is using that distrust to his advantage, in an attempt to drive a wedge between the recently united Stark girls. Littlefinger’s play at this point seems to revolve solely around putting Sansa in power. He can’t have a suspicious assassin screwing things up for him.

So, Baelish is conveniently leaving letters for Arya to find. It doesn’t help that Sansa actually wrote that surrender note after her father was beheaded. Would that really be enough to divide the Starks at this point? Arya is a hothead, and she does have some key philosophical differences with Sansa. But, after allllll Arya has been through learning the lessons of the Faceless Men, I have to imagine she knows a thing or two about deception. Littlefinger knows that Arya is skilled with a blade, he doesn’t know that she is a master of deception herself. I’m going to be so disappointed if I’m eating these words in a couple weeks.

Re-Finding North

With Daenerys burning shit up down south, Jon has finally had enough of warmish weather and aggravating politics. It’s time to go back up north, where he fell in love, watched his lover take an arrow, got promoted to top guy, got murdered by his own guys, got promoted to top guy again, and is about to have that stolen from him by the least trustworthy character in history. It’s always good times when you’re Jon Snow.

Jon really was starting to settle into his hidden Targaryenness this week too. He got to touch Drogon without even getting singed! He flirted a little more with his aunt (remember, the Targaryens love incest even more than the Lannisters do). It was even revealed (off-handedly by Gilly) that Jon wasn’t even a bastard, as his real dad got an annulment and married to his mom before he was even born. Nothing says love like a shotgun wedding.

Jon looks to actually be the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, since he’s the direct son of the guy who was the direct son of the super crazy king. Even if he knew, Snow wouldn’t care. Jon has looked the Night King in his cold blue eye. That’s all he cares about. He needs to convince the rest of the Seven Kingdoms to give as much of a damn about this issue as he does.

The rest of the world, despite having seen actual dragons, thinks all this ice zombie talk is bonkers. Bran is sending frantic warning messages and all he’s getting back from the Maesters is, “new Raven, who dis?” It’s so infuriating that Sam Tarly bolts from the Citadel with every scroll he can carry. The Citadel pissed Sam off so much that he’d rather talk to Dolorous Edd and eat stale beef jerky.

The plan to acquire proof of the threat beyond The Wall is insane. Seeing is believing, so to believe in the threat of ice zombies, the Queen will need to see an actual ice zombie. Jon and a ragtag group of guys that don’t get along are going to go beyond the Wall and capture a specimen. Good god is this a bad idea. The true North even got too dicey for emotionless Bran.

Let’s look at Jon Snow’s Magnificent Seven:

Jon Snow

The King in da Norffffff. Jon was recently named most impressive fighter in Westeros on The Ringer! He’s got the Valyrian steel blade. He’s got the experience being dead. Most importantly, Jon is bored silly with politics and would rather face the undead than another council meeting.

Chance of Making It Back: Come onnnnnnn, you know Jon’s making it back from this one.

Tormund Giantsbane

The biggest redhead on the western hemisphere*, Tormund is the best. He’s always saying weird shit and hitting on Brienne. Tormund is a skilled fighter, who is extremely familiar with the area beyond The Wall after having lived there for his entire life.

*Continent? Do the Americas exist in the GoT universe?

Chance of Making It Back: Unfortunately, Tormund’s status as “the best” naturally makes him the most likely to die on such a trip. I’m already sad.

Gendry

Wow guys, Gendry is back! We haven’t seen Gendry since he hopped in a boat after some weird leech-play with Melisandre and Stannis. Davos found him on his side quest with Tyrion to King’s Landing, and even made a nice reference to the running internet joke that Gendry has just been paddling along in that tiny boat since his last appearance.

Since we last saw Gendry, he’s gone back to doing what he does best, being a great bastard blacksmith. Or is that a great blacksmith, that happens to be a bastard? Whatever. Gendry has made one change since he found out that leeches are not a kink that he’s into: he’s embraced his true father’s legacy! He’s now a proud bastard of Robert Baratheon! Gendry is wielding a war hammer and making alliances with Starks. Attaboy Gendry.

Chance of Making It Back: 50/50. Would they really re-introduce Gendry just to kill him? Why yes, they absolutely would. We need a Gendry-Arya reunion though, dammit!

Ser Jorah Mormont

Ser Jorah, fresh from the skinning doctor, is back and ready to serve his KHALEESI.

It will be nice to see Jorah out of his element and hanging out with a bunch of people he’s never interacted with before. Perhaps he can finally burst out of his desperate friend zone role!

Chance of Making It Back: Not great. Ser Jorah’s got sacrificial lamb written all over him. “Tell Daenerys…I did it…for her…”

The Brotherhood Without Banners

The Hound, Beric Dondarrion, and Thoros of Myr are an odd grouping to start with. One is a priest who can bring the other one to life. One can wield a flaming sword. One is the Hound. You don’t need any background on the Hound. Scars, hates fire, hates his brother, loves ale and chicken. You know, the Hound!

Chance of Making It Back: Thoros and Beric are probably goners. The Hound is 50/50. He’s such a good character that you don’t want to see him go. Plus, he still has to kill his brother and be killed by Arya. On the other hand, Clegane has been the one seeing stuff in the flames. Also, see everything under Mormont, Jorah.

Next Episode Predictions

• Uncle Benjen and Jon knock back a couple of super cold ones in Benjen’s ice pad.
• The Hound and Ser Jorah get quite drunk together and cry.
• Zombie Hodor (aw man) decapitates The Hound. Then, the Headless Hound (has a nice ring to it) haunts the North for the rest of time.
• The Night’s King attempts to give Jon Snow a “we’re not so different, you and I” speech before taking a Gendry hammer blow to the crotch.
• Littlefinger leaves a scarecrow Cersei  out in the middle of Winterfell for Arya to murder. The scarecrow has a hidden pit underneath. The perfect trap!
• Daenerys makes her first gesture of kindness to Cersei by throwing her a baby shower. Missandei undoes it all when she gives Cersei a breadmaker. No ones wants a breadmaker, Missandei!

Winterfell Reunions

Last week saw Bran Stark return to the place where he used to climb walls until he eventually got tossed off of one by Jaime Lannister. Arya Stark’s journey home was thrown in doubt after her encounter with her former direwolf, Nymeria. Well, she went home.

After passing by Rosencrap and Guildenderp (nailed it), Arya finally gets to hug her siblings again. That’s assuming she hugged them in the first place, which I’m not entirely sure she did. You get the point. They’ve all changed. Sansa is a worldly politician. Bran is some all-seeing guy with powers or something. Arya is a master assassin with no face. Shit got weird.

Sansa seems particularly disturbed by these developments, as she’s stayed mostly the same. Her and Arya have more or less grown into what they wanted to be (although Sansa was basically tortured to get to be the Lady of Winterfell). Arya is terrifying. Her training session with Brienne seems to be showing off just what Arya can do now.

Arya is fascinated by Brienne, as she was the one person she’s met who has actually been able to best The Hound. Obviously, she wanted to kill The Hound herself, since he’s on The List. But, respect to anyone who can take on a man like that and live. Brienne’s got a similar history to Arya, in that she’s a warrior who’s only been told “no” her entire life due to her gender. Their fighting styles couldn’t be more different. Arya’s a lightweight who relies on her speed and guile. Brienne is a slugger, who relies on size and strength. Together, they’re a force of destruction. What I’m getting at is that Arya needs to ride on Brienne’s shoulders into battle to make the perfect fighter.

Think about it, though. Arya needs to take out Cersei. Cersei is protected by The Mountain. Arya can teach Brienne some Faceless Men mumbo jumbo. Brienne lacks the bravado that would prevent her from finishing off a foe when she’s got him on the ropes. You can see where this is going. Gimme gimme gimme Brienne vs. The Mountain.

What about Littlefinger? I can’t tell if this works for him or not. He wanted Sansa to himself for manipulation purposes. Having people around that she loves doesn’t work for him, especially when they have crazy raven powers or super assassin skills. He can make the strangeness of the Stark children work for his plans. “Look, SANSER, your brother and sister are big weirdos now! You know who’s the same as when you met him? Your old pal, Littlefinger!”

Petyr Baelish needs to cut the fancy crap, though. None of that is working on Bran and Arya.

“Hey, Bran, this is the knife that some guy that’s definitely not me used to try and kill you.”

“Great, thanks. Btw, I’ve seen everything you’ve done and don’t care. Call me when you’re the Night’s King.”

Yeah, he’s screwed.

Romancing the Dragonstone

Jon, leading a lovely lady to a dark room to show her some art is the oldest trick in the book. You’re gonna need to do better than that. Even Davos can see what Jon is up to. NO GAME BRO. You’re going to need to do better in your attempt to seduce your aunt. You still know nothing.

Daenerys is still insisting on Jon bending the knee before he hits the road back to his snowy home. It’s tough, Dany. The North doesn’t want to trust another ruler from down south. They don’t understand the problems that plague Winterfell, such as the need for more pelts, insufficient grain silos, and the dead rising to kill everyone.

Dany’s got her frustrations too. She’s getting her ass kicked in the war. Cersei has outsmarted her in every way. What does a Targaryen do when things aren’t going their way? They burn shit down.

Hey Tyrion, SHUT UP. Jon, what do you think? SHUT UP.  It’s dragon time.

The Great Loot Train Burninating

She don’t take no prisoners

She gonna give me the business

Got a dragon on my back

Hey it’s a dragon attack

I mean, it’s not 100% perfect, but Freddie Mercury was pretty damn close. Guys. GUYS. How freakin’ cool and horrifying was that loot train scene?

A full-on dragon assault in Westeros is something that people have been looking forward to since Daenerys first emerged from the flames at the end of season one. From the moment Jaime and Bronn first hear the hoofbeats of the Dothraki horde, you know things are about to escalate. It’s cowboys vs. Indians, if the Indians had a flying flame thrower on their side.

Game of Thrones yet again raised the bar for television spectacle with the loot train battle. It’s thrilling and gruesome. “The Spoils of War” effectively showed the main issue with Daenerys’ shock and awe campaign. Hey, what did the dragon queen do when she came to Westeros? Oh, she just burned everyone alive and left the ground black and charred. It’s not a good look. But, it does work. The Lannisters got their asses kicked, plain and simple.

They may have lost their top commander. Jaime Lannister attempted to take out Dany while she was taking a giant arrow out of her favorite dragon. You know what they always say about coming at the king. It’s not that the Kingslayer missed, so much as he was knocked out of the way before being reduced to a pile of ash.

The episode ends with Jaime sinking to his possible death. That sure is some heavy armor he’s got on. How much does that hand weigh? I would love if Jaime’s gold hand ultimately doomed him. That’s unlikely. They wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of having Bronn knock Jaime out of harm’s way if they were going to kill him by drowning. I’m betting we’ll see Jaime as a prisoner next week.

Next Episode Predictions

• Jaime and Tyrion play checkers in Jaime’s new home: a prison cell.
• Theon makes Jon dinner in an attempt to get back in Mr. Snow’s good graces. The dinner is a disaster, as Theon makes him burnt biscuits and undercooked calamari.
• Bran freaks Littlefinger out to the point where he won’t leave his room.
• Arya continues to pick on the two stupid guards that she owned last week. This week, she dumps water on them from a doorway and gives them hypothermia. Pranks!

Dragonbonin’

It often feels as if every character on Game of Thrones has met up with each other at this point. I’m fairly certain that Tyrion, at the very least, has met most of the major players. Maybe he hasn’t met the Sand Snakes, but most of those jerks are dead, so who cares.

We do know, with complete certainty, that Jon Snow has not met Daenerys Targaryen before. “The Queen’s Justice” wastes no time, as Jon and Davos make incredible time getting down to Dragonstone to meet with the young contender for the Iron Throne. Traffic was most likely light, with the majority of ships destroyed, or hanging out on the other side of the continent.

Jon and Dany, meeting at last! Last acknowledged Targaryen and Secret Targaryen! Angry orphan Khaleesi vs. unwanted bastard of the North! You get the picture. It’s a big deal.

Things got off to a rocky start, as Dany started with the heavy-handed tactic employed by luminaries such as General Zod of Krypton, “KNEEL.” I know in Trump’s America Cersei’s Westeros, it’s cool to come out swinging with the bravado and such, but you need this guy, Dany. Yes, he’s got a man bun. Yes, he takes himself too seriously. Yes, he is occasionally prone to just standing there looking cool while a stampede of horses comes right at him. But, you need him.

Now, if Dany and Jon knew that they were related, that would change a lot of factors. This being dramatic television, they, of course, do not know this. She’s his aunt who is more or less the same age, right? Hmm, powerful leaders in the ultimate game, in a society in which pacts are often made with marriage. No, no, they wouldn’t do that. There’s no chance. Noooo Dany, don’t give Jon that look!

Game of Thrones, you incestuous bastards. Listen, you need Jon and Dany to be Luke and Leia. Not Luke and Leia.

Hand-off

I know Ser Davos isn’t technically Jon’s Hand (that’s most likely Sansa, if anyone), buuuut he’s more or less his Hand in this situation. Plus, he did it for Stannis, the lot of good that did old Stoic Stan*.

ANYWAY, I just wanted to briefly touch on my love for the respective Hands at play here. Davos is clearly in over his head in this situation. He’s a common man from the lowest rung of society. He’s plain spoken, in the best possible way. Davos just learned how to read from a little girl LAST YEAR. But he holds his own. He lays it out there, in an attempt to get Daenerys to cut the crap and listen to them on the frosty threat to the north.

Tyrion couldn’t be more different. Sure, he was born on the low rung of his family, but the low rung of one of the wealthiest families in Westeros is still fairly high up. He’s well-read, perhaps the most well-read non-Maester. Tyrion wants to make things work between his Queen and his old low man on the family tree buddy, Jon. Neither party makes that a particularly easy task. Thankfully, the two of them get together like adults and Tyrion didn’t have to resort to locking them in an elevator together until they started to find common ground. Let’s save that shit for Everybody Loves Hodor or whatever spinoff HBO comes up with.

*Editor’s Note: this is in no way a nickname for Stannis that can be endorsed in any universe).

The Cersei Supremacy

The last four episodes of Thrones have belonged to Cersei. Her turn into full on super-villain has been a glorious one, and she’s not about to pull her foot off of the gas.

Cersei’s comeback tour hit/checklist is an extensive one, yet one on which she’s already made excellent progress. She’s destroyed Margaery, her uncle, and an entire church. Let’s throw some more enemies into the mix! Thanks to my new favorite cartoonish villain, Euron Greyjoy, Cersei has the murderer of her daughter in her clutches, as well as that murderer’s daughter. We all pretty much knew where this was going with Cersei showed up with really bright lipstick. What, did you think she was trying out a new look? Sheeeeeit, Cersei is allllll out of fucks in that department. She’s just parading around the fact that she’s sleeping with her brother at this point. She learned some valuable lessons from her deceased husband, Robert, such as “who cares, I’m in charge”.

So, poison lipstick revenge for her daughter is checked off. Just to keep track, this is Cersei getting revenge for her daughter, which was revenge for Oberyn Martell. So, look forward to the revenge’s revenge’s revenge when Ellaria Sand gets free.

Cersei still has Joffrey’s killer to check off….or does she!? Cersei’s still convinced her brother did it. Even after Lady Olenna confessed to the killing the little turd just before she herself kicked the (poison-filled) bucket, I bet Cersei still insists that Tyrion did it. Regardless, her (very) little brother did kill their cruel father. Cersei remains fairly steamed about that.

Oh, Lady Olenna Tyrell, you will be missed. Your snipes were of the highest quality. At least you got to go out with a quality middle finger. A world without Tywin and Olenna’s harsh digs is certainly that much poorer. Not poorer? House Lannister, which can finally pay back the bank with all the riches they are stealing from Highgarden. This is why we all watch this show, bank transactions.

It was quite the tricky move, giving up the legendary Casterly Rock to take Highgarden. This would be an unthinkable strategy for Tywin Lannister. Queen Cersei, despite being furious about her father’s death, doesn’t really give a shit about the Rock and the Lannister legacy associated with it. Her father never believed in her. He didn’t see her as his heir, even though Tyrion is a dwarf, and Jaime is in the Kingsguard. Thus, Casterly Rock becomes little more than the stage for an Admiral Ackbar special. Those were damn fine ships that got burnt. Damn fine.

Really, Cersei can thank the unstoppable Euron Greyjoy for her recent success. This man is a real go-getter. He’s gone from years of obscure exile to almost King of the Seven Kingdoms in a few weeks. It’s the benefits of being a batshit crazy asshole. Just look at this guy parade his niece through the streets of King’s Landing!

This is a Grade A dickhead right here. But he’s kind of great. I’m entertained, I’ll say that much. The Greyjoys tend to be a real bummer. Having an entertaining Greyjoy is a new and unusual experience.

Hey Now, Hey Now, Bran Stark is Back

Bran’s back! Sansa’s got a real, not-bastard brother back in the house! One problem though, he’s weird as fuuuuuck now. Bran, buddy, I know you lost a lot of people skills while sledding beyond The Wall, but, I have to say, maybe giving your sister more of an explanation than, “I’m the Three-Eyed Raven” would be a good idea.

Whatever that means, it’s good news for Sansa, who really likes being in charge of Winterfell. It suits her. If she was the manager of the Winterfell restaurant, she’d be walking around confidently, patting people on the shoulder and smiling while asking how their night is going. Bran, he doesn’t want to do that. He’s happy being the crazy guy who hangs out just outside the restaurant claiming to know everything. This is a perfect analogy. Definitely working.

Bran’s a little antsy for Jon to come home, since he knows the big secret about Mr. Snow’s lineage. He also may know a thing or two about that snake, Littlefinger. I’m putting the over/under at 1.5 episodes before Petyr Baelish tries to kill Bran.

Adventures in Manscaping

Sam’s skin surgery on friend zone denizen Jorah Mormont was successful! Good for you, Sam. Now, Ser Jorah is free to go stalk Daenerys as much as he wants. Dude may want to cover up though. After his procedure, Jorah looks like Deadpool without his costume.

Sam’s reward for saving Ser Jorah’s life is akin to the work I did as a temp at a few law firms. Still, copying documents is better than cleaning up literal shit.

Next Episode Predictions

• Theon was plucked out of the ocean by his fellow Iron Islanders. However, Bran is back at Winterfell, so the Bran’s new Hodor theory is temporarily shelved. Theon to the Night’s Watch could still definitely happen. His incompetence could very well be the thing that brings down The Wall.
• Arya arrives at Winterfell to find Bran already usurped her good surprise. She heads south, extremely upset that she won’t be the only Stark child to return home this season. Watch out, Cersei.
• Half of the episode focuses on Dolorous Edd and his quest to find a decent hot meal in Castle Black. He does not succeed.
• Euron Greyjoy manages to kill two of Daenerys’ dragons, and tame the third for his own use. This is just what Euron does. There’s no stopping him. Sorry.