Dragonbonin’

It often feels as if every character on Game of Thrones has met up with each other at this point. I’m fairly certain that Tyrion, at the very least, has met most of the major players. Maybe he hasn’t met the Sand Snakes, but most of those jerks are dead, so who cares.

We do know, with complete certainty, that Jon Snow has not met Daenerys Targaryen before. “The Queen’s Justice” wastes no time, as Jon and Davos make incredible time getting down to Dragonstone to meet with the young contender for the Iron Throne. Traffic was most likely light, with the majority of ships destroyed, or hanging out on the other side of the continent.

Jon and Dany, meeting at last! Last acknowledged Targaryen and Secret Targaryen! Angry orphan Khaleesi vs. unwanted bastard of the North! You get the picture. It’s a big deal.

Things got off to a rocky start, as Dany started with the heavy-handed tactic employed by luminaries such as General Zod of Krypton, “KNEEL.” I know in Trump’s America Cersei’s Westeros, it’s cool to come out swinging with the bravado and such, but you need this guy, Dany. Yes, he’s got a man bun. Yes, he takes himself too seriously. Yes, he is occasionally prone to just standing there looking cool while a stampede of horses comes right at him. But, you need him.

Now, if Dany and Jon knew that they were related, that would change a lot of factors. This being dramatic television, they, of course, do not know this. She’s his aunt who is more or less the same age, right? Hmm, powerful leaders in the ultimate game, in a society in which pacts are often made with marriage. No, no, they wouldn’t do that. There’s no chance. Noooo Dany, don’t give Jon that look!

Game of Thrones, you incestuous bastards. Listen, you need Jon and Dany to be Luke and Leia. Not Luke and Leia.

Hand-off

I know Ser Davos isn’t technically Jon’s Hand (that’s most likely Sansa, if anyone), buuuut he’s more or less his Hand in this situation. Plus, he did it for Stannis, the lot of good that did old Stoic Stan*.

ANYWAY, I just wanted to briefly touch on my love for the respective Hands at play here. Davos is clearly in over his head in this situation. He’s a common man from the lowest rung of society. He’s plain spoken, in the best possible way. Davos just learned how to read from a little girl LAST YEAR. But he holds his own. He lays it out there, in an attempt to get Daenerys to cut the crap and listen to them on the frosty threat to the north.

Tyrion couldn’t be more different. Sure, he was born on the low rung of his family, but the low rung of one of the wealthiest families in Westeros is still fairly high up. He’s well-read, perhaps the most well-read non-Maester. Tyrion wants to make things work between his Queen and his old low man on the family tree buddy, Jon. Neither party makes that a particularly easy task. Thankfully, the two of them get together like adults and Tyrion didn’t have to resort to locking them in an elevator together until they started to find common ground. Let’s save that shit for Everybody Loves Hodor or whatever spinoff HBO comes up with.

*Editor’s Note: this is in no way a nickname for Stannis that can be endorsed in any universe).

 

The Cersei Supremacy

The last four episodes of Thrones have belonged to Cersei. Her turn into full on super-villain has been a glorious one, and she’s not about to pull her foot off of the gas.

Cersei’s comeback tour hit/checklist is an extensive one, yet one on which she’s already made excellent progress. She’s destroyed Margaery, her uncle, and an entire church. Let’s throw some more enemies into the mix! Thanks to my new favorite cartoonish villain, Euron Greyjoy, Cersei has the murderer of her daughter in her clutches, as well as that murderer’s daughter. We all pretty much knew where this was going with Cersei showed up with really bright lipstick. What, did you think she was trying out a new look? Sheeeeeit, Cersei is allllll out of fucks in that department. She’s just parading around the fact that she’s sleeping with her brother at this point. She learned some valuable lessons from her deceased husband, Robert, such as “who cares, I’m in charge”.

So, poison lipstick revenge for her daughter is checked off. Just to keep track, this is Cersei getting revenge for her daughter, which was revenge for Oberyn Martell. So, look forward to the revenge’s revenge’s revenge when Ellaria Sand gets free.

Cersei still has Joffrey’s killer to check off….or does she!? Cersei’s still convinced her brother did it. Even after Lady Olenna confessed to the killing the little turd just before she herself kicked the (poison-filled) bucket, I bet Cersei still insists that Tyrion did it. Regardless, her (very) little brother did kill their cruel father. Cersei remains fairly steamed about that.

Oh, Lady Olenna Tyrell, you will be missed. Your snipes were of the highest quality. At least you got to go out with a quality middle finger. A world without Tywin and Olenna’s harsh digs is certainly that much poorer. Not poorer? House Lannister, which can finally pay back the bank with all the riches they are stealing from Highgarden. This is why we all watch this show, bank transactions.

It was quite the tricky move, giving up the legendary Casterly Rock to take Highgarden. This would be an unthinkable strategy for Tywin Lannister. Queen Cersei, despite being furious about her father’s death, doesn’t really give a shit about the Rock and the Lannister legacy associated with it. Her father never believed in her. He didn’t see her as his heir, even though Tyrion is a dwarf, and Jaime is in the Kingsguard. Thus, Casterly Rock becomes little more than the stage for an Admiral Ackbar special. Those were damn fine ships that got burnt. Damn fine.

Really, Cersei can thank the unstoppable Euron Greyjoy for her recent success. This man is a real go-getter. He’s gone from years of obscure exile to almost King of the Seven Kingdoms in a few weeks. It’s the benefits of being a batshit crazy asshole. Just look at this guy parade his niece through the streets of King’s Landing!

This is a Grade A dickhead right here. But he’s kind of great. I’m entertained, I’ll say that much. The Greyjoys tend to be a real bummer. Having an entertaining Greyjoy is a new and unusual experience.

Hey Now, Hey Now, Bran Stark is Back

Bran’s back! Sansa’s got a real, not-bastard brother back in the house! One problem though, he’s weird as fuuuuuck now. Bran, buddy, I know you lost a lot of people skills while sledding beyond The Wall, but, I have to say, maybe giving your sister more of an explanation than, “I’m the Three-Eyed Raven” would be a good idea.

Whatever that means, it’s good news for Sansa, who really likes being in charge of Winterfell. It suits her. If she was the manager of the Winterfell restaurant, she’d be walking around confidently, patting people on the shoulder and smiling while asking how their night is going. Bran, he doesn’t want to do that. He’s happy being the crazy guy who hangs out just outside the restaurant claiming to know everything. This is a perfect analogy. Definitely working.

Bran’s a little antsy for Jon to come home, since he knows the big secret about Mr. Snow’s lineage. He also may know a thing or two about that snake, Littlefinger. I’m putting the over/under at 1.5 episodes before Petyr Baelish tries to kill Bran.

Adventures in Manscaping

Sam’s skin surgery on friend zone denizen Jorah Mormont was successful! Good for you, Sam. Now, Ser Jorah is free to go stalk Daenerys as much as he wants. Dude may want to cover up though. After his procedure, Jorah looks like Deadpool without his costume.

Sam’s reward for saving Ser Jorah’s life is akin to the work I did as a temp at a few law firms. Still, copying documents is better than cleaning up literal shit.

Next Episode Predictions

• Theon was plucked out of the ocean by his fellow Iron Islanders. However, Bran is back at Winterfell, so the Bran’s new Hodor theory is temporarily shelved. Theon to the Night’s Watch could still definitely happen. His incompetence could very well be the thing that brings down The Wall.
• Arya arrives at Winterfell to find Bran already usurped her good surprise. She heads south, extremely upset that she won’t be the only Stark child to return home this season. Watch out, Cersei.
• Half of the episode focuses on Dolorous Edd and his quest to find a decent hot meal in Castle Black. He does not succeed.
• Euron Greyjoy manages to kill two of Daenerys’ dragons, and tame the third for his own use. This is just what Euron does. There’s no stopping him. Sorry.