Running Scared

Okay, okay, my prediction about Jaime Lannister ending up a prisoner of Daenerys was way off. But, he’s alive! A guy can still hope for death by heavy golden hand.

Jaime managed to survive his encounter with Drogon thanks to Bronn’s quick reflexes and love of a good paycheck. The one-hand Lan man* is all shook up after seeing the devastation that a dragon brings to the table up close and personal. Their one weapon, a super big crossbow, didn’t get the job done. What else do they have? The Mountain can only reach so far.

*Editor’s note: Please, for the love of god, stop trying to make nicknames.

Daenerys’ scorched Westeros policy seems to have succeeded, insofar as inspiring the mass crapping of crimson and gold pants. That crapping can go a bit too far, though. She requests the bending of knees, but she’s not getting them from those old Tarly boys. Yes, those same Tarlys that abandoned Highgarden just a week ago are drawing a line in the sand when it comes to bowing down for another ruler. Fool me once, etc. I suppose. Stern papa Tarly and plain brother Tarly chose burnination over subjugation. That’s a far shittier way to go than drowning from a big gold hand in my humble opinion. Maybe ease it back, Dany. Lady, you’re scaring us!

Things are looking bad for the Lannisters. Things are so bad, that Cersei may actually…negotiate? No, I don’t like this one bit. Cersei has shown us previously that she’ll lay down in the weeds and hide her agenda just to strike at the most opportune moment. Always think like Admiral Ackbar when it comes to Cersei.

In that regard, Jaime, bruh, I’d be wary about this pregnancy announcement from your sister/lover. She’s not above using her own family. Who’s ready for another Lannister family roll of the dice? You only have a 33% chance of ending up with a total monster. I like those odds!

Sneaky Petyr

Continuing with the theme of always assuming people are trying to entrap you, Littlefinger is starting to make some moves. Arya, of course, doesn’t trust that human snake. Baelish, clever guy that he is, is using that distrust to his advantage, in an attempt to drive a wedge between the recently united Stark girls. Littlefinger’s play at this point seems to revolve solely around putting Sansa in power. He can’t have a suspicious assassin screwing things up for him.

So, Baelish is conveniently leaving letters for Arya to find. It doesn’t help that Sansa actually wrote that surrender note after her father was beheaded. Would that really be enough to divide the Starks at this point? Arya is a hothead, and she does have some key philosophical differences with Sansa. But, after allllll Arya has been through learning the lessons of the Faceless Men, I have to imagine she knows a thing or two about deception. Littlefinger knows that Arya is skilled with a blade, he doesn’t know that she is a master of deception herself. I’m going to be so disappointed if I’m eating these words in a couple weeks.

Re-Finding North

With Daenerys burning shit up down south, Jon has finally had enough of warmish weather and aggravating politics. It’s time to go back up north, where he fell in love, watched his lover take an arrow, got promoted to top guy, got murdered by his own guys, got promoted to top guy again, and is about to have that stolen from him by the least trustworthy character in history. It’s always good times when you’re Jon Snow.

Jon really was starting to settle into his hidden Targaryenness this week too. He got to touch Drogon without even getting singed! He flirted a little more with his aunt (remember, the Targaryens love incest even more than the Lannisters do). It was even revealed (off-handedly by Gilly) that Jon wasn’t even a bastard, as his real dad got an annulment and married to his mom before he was even born. Nothing says love like a shotgun wedding.

Jon looks to actually be the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, since he’s the direct son of the guy who was the direct son of the super crazy king. Even if he knew, Snow wouldn’t care. Jon has looked the Night King in his cold blue eye. That’s all he cares about. He needs to convince the rest of the Seven Kingdoms to give as much of a damn about this issue as he does.

The rest of the world, despite having seen actual dragons, thinks all this ice zombie talk is bonkers. Bran is sending frantic warning messages and all he’s getting back from the Maesters is, “new Raven, who dis?” It’s so infuriating that Sam Tarly bolts from the Citadel with every scroll he can carry. The Citadel pissed Sam off so much that he’d rather talk to Dolorous Edd and eat stale beef jerky.

The plan to acquire proof of the threat beyond The Wall is insane. Seeing is believing, so to believe in the threat of ice zombies, the Queen will need to see an actual ice zombie. Jon and a ragtag group of guys that don’t get along are going to go beyond the Wall and capture a specimen. Good god is this a bad idea. The true North even got too dicey for emotionless Bran.

Let’s look at Jon Snow’s Magnificent Seven:

Jon Snow

The King in da Norffffff. Jon was recently named most impressive fighter in Westeros on The Ringer! He’s got the Valyrian steel blade. He’s got the experience being dead. Most importantly, Jon is bored silly with politics and would rather face the undead than another council meeting.

Chance of Making It Back: Come onnnnnnn, you know Jon’s making it back from this one.

Tormund Giantsbane

The biggest redhead on the western hemisphere*, Tormund is the best. He’s always saying weird shit and hitting on Brienne. Tormund is a skilled fighter, who is extremely familiar with the area beyond The Wall after having lived there for his entire life.

*Continent? Do the Americas exist in the GoT universe?

Chance of Making It Back: Unfortunately, Tormund’s status as “the best” naturally makes him the most likely to die on such a trip. I’m already sad.

Gendry

Wow guys, Gendry is back! We haven’t seen Gendry since he hopped in a boat after some weird leech-play with Melisandre and Stannis. Davos found him on his side quest with Tyrion to King’s Landing, and even made a nice reference to the running internet joke that Gendry has just been paddling along in that tiny boat since his last appearance.

Since we last saw Gendry, he’s gone back to doing what he does best, being a great bastard blacksmith. Or is that a great blacksmith, that happens to be a bastard? Whatever. Gendry has made one change since he found out that leeches are not a kink that he’s into: he’s embraced his true father’s legacy! He’s now a proud bastard of Robert Baratheon! Gendry is wielding a war hammer and making alliances with Starks. Attaboy Gendry.

Chance of Making It Back: 50/50. Would they really re-introduce Gendry just to kill him? Why yes, they absolutely would. We need a Gendry-Arya reunion though, dammit!

Ser Jorah Mormont

Ser Jorah, fresh from the skinning doctor, is back and ready to serve his KHALEESI.

It will be nice to see Jorah out of his element and hanging out with a bunch of people he’s never interacted with before. Perhaps he can finally burst out of his desperate friend zone role!

Chance of Making It Back: Not great. Ser Jorah’s got sacrificial lamb written all over him. “Tell Daenerys…I did it…for her…”

The Brotherhood Without Banners

The Hound, Beric Dondarrion, and Thoros of Myr are an odd grouping to start with. One is a priest who can bring the other one to life. One can wield a flaming sword. One is the Hound. You don’t need any background on the Hound. Scars, hates fire, hates his brother, loves ale and chicken. You know, the Hound!

Chance of Making It Back: Thoros and Beric are probably goners. The Hound is 50/50. He’s such a good character that you don’t want to see him go. Plus, he still has to kill his brother and be killed by Arya. On the other hand, Clegane has been the one seeing stuff in the flames. Also, see everything under Mormont, Jorah.

Next Episode Predictions

• Uncle Benjen and Jon knock back a couple of super cold ones in Benjen’s ice pad.
• The Hound and Ser Jorah get quite drunk together and cry.
• Zombie Hodor (aw man) decapitates The Hound. Then, the Headless Hound (has a nice ring to it) haunts the North for the rest of time.
• The Night’s King attempts to give Jon Snow a “we’re not so different, you and I” speech before taking a Gendry hammer blow to the crotch.
• Littlefinger leaves a scarecrow Cersei  out in the middle of Winterfell for Arya to murder. The scarecrow has a hidden pit underneath. The perfect trap!
• Daenerys makes her first gesture of kindness to Cersei by throwing her a baby shower. Missandei undoes it all when she gives Cersei a breadmaker. No ones wants a breadmaker, Missandei!