Tag: Game of Thrones

Running Scared

Okay, okay, my prediction about Jaime Lannister ending up a prisoner of Daenerys was way off. But, he’s alive! A guy can still hope for death by heavy golden hand.

Jaime managed to survive his encounter with Drogon thanks to Bronn’s quick reflexes and love of a good paycheck. The one-hand Lan man* is all shook up after seeing the devastation that a dragon brings to the table up close and personal. Their one weapon, a super big crossbow, didn’t get the job done. What else do they have? The Mountain can only reach so far.

*Editor’s note: Please, for the love of god, stop trying to make nicknames.

Daenerys’ scorched Westeros policy seems to have succeeded, insofar as inspiring the mass crapping of crimson and gold pants. That crapping can go a bit too far, though. She requests the bending of knees, but she’s not getting them from those old Tarly boys. Yes, those same Tarlys that abandoned Highgarden just a week ago are drawing a line in the sand when it comes to bowing down for another ruler. Fool me once, etc. I suppose. Stern papa Tarly and plain brother Tarly chose burnination over subjugation. That’s a far shittier way to go than drowning from a big gold hand in my humble opinion. Maybe ease it back, Dany. Lady, you’re scaring us!

Things are looking bad for the Lannisters. Things are so bad, that Cersei may actually…negotiate? No, I don’t like this one bit. Cersei has shown us previously that she’ll lay down in the weeds and hide her agenda just to strike at the most opportune moment. Always think like Admiral Ackbar when it comes to Cersei.

In that regard, Jaime, bruh, I’d be wary about this pregnancy announcement from your sister/lover. She’s not above using her own family. Who’s ready for another Lannister family roll of the dice? You only have a 33% chance of ending up with a total monster. I like those odds!

Sneaky Petyr

Continuing with the theme of always assuming people are trying to entrap you, Littlefinger is starting to make some moves. Arya, of course, doesn’t trust that human snake. Baelish, clever guy that he is, is using that distrust to his advantage, in an attempt to drive a wedge between the recently united Stark girls. Littlefinger’s play at this point seems to revolve solely around putting Sansa in power. He can’t have a suspicious assassin screwing things up for him.

So, Baelish is conveniently leaving letters for Arya to find. It doesn’t help that Sansa actually wrote that surrender note after her father was beheaded. Would that really be enough to divide the Starks at this point? Arya is a hothead, and she does have some key philosophical differences with Sansa. But, after allllll Arya has been through learning the lessons of the Faceless Men, I have to imagine she knows a thing or two about deception. Littlefinger knows that Arya is skilled with a blade, he doesn’t know that she is a master of deception herself. I’m going to be so disappointed if I’m eating these words in a couple weeks.

Re-Finding North

With Daenerys burning shit up down south, Jon has finally had enough of warmish weather and aggravating politics. It’s time to go back up north, where he fell in love, watched his lover take an arrow, got promoted to top guy, got murdered by his own guys, got promoted to top guy again, and is about to have that stolen from him by the least trustworthy character in history. It’s always good times when you’re Jon Snow.

Jon really was starting to settle into his hidden Targaryenness this week too. He got to touch Drogon without even getting singed! He flirted a little more with his aunt (remember, the Targaryens love incest even more than the Lannisters do). It was even revealed (off-handedly by Gilly) that Jon wasn’t even a bastard, as his real dad got an annulment and married to his mom before he was even born. Nothing says love like a shotgun wedding.

Jon looks to actually be the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, since he’s the direct son of the guy who was the direct son of the super crazy king. Even if he knew, Snow wouldn’t care. Jon has looked the Night King in his cold blue eye. That’s all he cares about. He needs to convince the rest of the Seven Kingdoms to give as much of a damn about this issue as he does.

The rest of the world, despite having seen actual dragons, thinks all this ice zombie talk is bonkers. Bran is sending frantic warning messages and all he’s getting back from the Maesters is, “new Raven, who dis?” It’s so infuriating that Sam Tarly bolts from the Citadel with every scroll he can carry. The Citadel pissed Sam off so much that he’d rather talk to Dolorous Edd and eat stale beef jerky.

The plan to acquire proof of the threat beyond The Wall is insane. Seeing is believing, so to believe in the threat of ice zombies, the Queen will need to see an actual ice zombie. Jon and a ragtag group of guys that don’t get along are going to go beyond the Wall and capture a specimen. Good god is this a bad idea. The true North even got too dicey for emotionless Bran.

Let’s look at Jon Snow’s Magnificent Seven:

Jon Snow

The King in da Norffffff. Jon was recently named most impressive fighter in Westeros on The Ringer! He’s got the Valyrian steel blade. He’s got the experience being dead. Most importantly, Jon is bored silly with politics and would rather face the undead than another council meeting.

Chance of Making It Back: Come onnnnnnn, you know Jon’s making it back from this one.

Tormund Giantsbane

The biggest redhead on the western hemisphere*, Tormund is the best. He’s always saying weird shit and hitting on Brienne. Tormund is a skilled fighter, who is extremely familiar with the area beyond The Wall after having lived there for his entire life.

*Continent? Do the Americas exist in the GoT universe?

Chance of Making It Back: Unfortunately, Tormund’s status as “the best” naturally makes him the most likely to die on such a trip. I’m already sad.

Gendry

Wow guys, Gendry is back! We haven’t seen Gendry since he hopped in a boat after some weird leech-play with Melisandre and Stannis. Davos found him on his side quest with Tyrion to King’s Landing, and even made a nice reference to the running internet joke that Gendry has just been paddling along in that tiny boat since his last appearance.

Since we last saw Gendry, he’s gone back to doing what he does best, being a great bastard blacksmith. Or is that a great blacksmith, that happens to be a bastard? Whatever. Gendry has made one change since he found out that leeches are not a kink that he’s into: he’s embraced his true father’s legacy! He’s now a proud bastard of Robert Baratheon! Gendry is wielding a war hammer and making alliances with Starks. Attaboy Gendry.

Chance of Making It Back: 50/50. Would they really re-introduce Gendry just to kill him? Why yes, they absolutely would. We need a Gendry-Arya reunion though, dammit!

Ser Jorah Mormont

Ser Jorah, fresh from the skinning doctor, is back and ready to serve his KHALEESI.

It will be nice to see Jorah out of his element and hanging out with a bunch of people he’s never interacted with before. Perhaps he can finally burst out of his desperate friend zone role!

Chance of Making It Back: Not great. Ser Jorah’s got sacrificial lamb written all over him. “Tell Daenerys…I did it…for her…”

The Brotherhood Without Banners

The Hound, Beric Dondarrion, and Thoros of Myr are an odd grouping to start with. One is a priest who can bring the other one to life. One can wield a flaming sword. One is the Hound. You don’t need any background on the Hound. Scars, hates fire, hates his brother, loves ale and chicken. You know, the Hound!

Chance of Making It Back: Thoros and Beric are probably goners. The Hound is 50/50. He’s such a good character that you don’t want to see him go. Plus, he still has to kill his brother and be killed by Arya. On the other hand, Clegane has been the one seeing stuff in the flames. Also, see everything under Mormont, Jorah.

Next Episode Predictions

• Uncle Benjen and Jon knock back a couple of super cold ones in Benjen’s ice pad.
• The Hound and Ser Jorah get quite drunk together and cry.
• Zombie Hodor (aw man) decapitates The Hound. Then, the Headless Hound (has a nice ring to it) haunts the North for the rest of time.
• The Night’s King attempts to give Jon Snow a “we’re not so different, you and I” speech before taking a Gendry hammer blow to the crotch.
• Littlefinger leaves a scarecrow Cersei  out in the middle of Winterfell for Arya to murder. The scarecrow has a hidden pit underneath. The perfect trap!
• Daenerys makes her first gesture of kindness to Cersei by throwing her a baby shower. Missandei undoes it all when she gives Cersei a breadmaker. No ones wants a breadmaker, Missandei!

Winterfell Reunions

Last week saw Bran Stark return to the place where he used to climb walls until he eventually got tossed off of one by Jaime Lannister. Arya Stark’s journey home was thrown in doubt after her encounter with her former direwolf, Nymeria. Well, she went home.

After passing by Rosencrap and Guildenderp (nailed it), Arya finally gets to hug her siblings again. That’s assuming she hugged them in the first place, which I’m not entirely sure she did. You get the point. They’ve all changed. Sansa is a worldly politician. Bran is some all-seeing guy with powers or something. Arya is a master assassin with no face. Shit got weird.

Sansa seems particularly disturbed by these developments, as she’s stayed mostly the same. Her and Arya have more or less grown into what they wanted to be (although Sansa was basically tortured to get to be the Lady of Winterfell). Arya is terrifying. Her training session with Brienne seems to be showing off just what Arya can do now.

Arya is fascinated by Brienne, as she was the one person she’s met who has actually been able to best The Hound. Obviously, she wanted to kill The Hound herself, since he’s on The List. But, respect to anyone who can take on a man like that and live. Brienne’s got a similar history to Arya, in that she’s a warrior who’s only been told “no” her entire life due to her gender. Their fighting styles couldn’t be more different. Arya’s a lightweight who relies on her speed and guile. Brienne is a slugger, who relies on size and strength. Together, they’re a force of destruction. What I’m getting at is that Arya needs to ride on Brienne’s shoulders into battle to make the perfect fighter.

Think about it, though. Arya needs to take out Cersei. Cersei is protected by The Mountain. Arya can teach Brienne some Faceless Men mumbo jumbo. Brienne lacks the bravado that would prevent her from finishing off a foe when she’s got him on the ropes. You can see where this is going. Gimme gimme gimme Brienne vs. The Mountain.

What about Littlefinger? I can’t tell if this works for him or not. He wanted Sansa to himself for manipulation purposes. Having people around that she loves doesn’t work for him, especially when they have crazy raven powers or super assassin skills. He can make the strangeness of the Stark children work for his plans. “Look, SANSER, your brother and sister are big weirdos now! You know who’s the same as when you met him? Your old pal, Littlefinger!”

Petyr Baelish needs to cut the fancy crap, though. None of that is working on Bran and Arya.

“Hey, Bran, this is the knife that some guy that’s definitely not me used to try and kill you.”

“Great, thanks. Btw, I’ve seen everything you’ve done and don’t care. Call me when you’re the Night’s King.”

Yeah, he’s screwed.

Romancing the Dragonstone

Jon, leading a lovely lady to a dark room to show her some art is the oldest trick in the book. You’re gonna need to do better than that. Even Davos can see what Jon is up to. NO GAME BRO. You’re going to need to do better in your attempt to seduce your aunt. You still know nothing.

Daenerys is still insisting on Jon bending the knee before he hits the road back to his snowy home. It’s tough, Dany. The North doesn’t want to trust another ruler from down south. They don’t understand the problems that plague Winterfell, such as the need for more pelts, insufficient grain silos, and the dead rising to kill everyone.

Dany’s got her frustrations too. She’s getting her ass kicked in the war. Cersei has outsmarted her in every way. What does a Targaryen do when things aren’t going their way? They burn shit down.

Hey Tyrion, SHUT UP. Jon, what do you think? SHUT UP.  It’s dragon time.

The Great Loot Train Burninating

She don’t take no prisoners

She gonna give me the business

Got a dragon on my back

Hey it’s a dragon attack

I mean, it’s not 100% perfect, but Freddie Mercury was pretty damn close. Guys. GUYS. How freakin’ cool and horrifying was that loot train scene?

A full-on dragon assault in Westeros is something that people have been looking forward to since Daenerys first emerged from the flames at the end of season one. From the moment Jaime and Bronn first hear the hoofbeats of the Dothraki horde, you know things are about to escalate. It’s cowboys vs. Indians, if the Indians had a flying flame thrower on their side.

Game of Thrones yet again raised the bar for television spectacle with the loot train battle. It’s thrilling and gruesome. “The Spoils of War” effectively showed the main issue with Daenerys’ shock and awe campaign. Hey, what did the dragon queen do when she came to Westeros? Oh, she just burned everyone alive and left the ground black and charred. It’s not a good look. But, it does work. The Lannisters got their asses kicked, plain and simple.

They may have lost their top commander. Jaime Lannister attempted to take out Dany while she was taking a giant arrow out of her favorite dragon. You know what they always say about coming at the king. It’s not that the Kingslayer missed, so much as he was knocked out of the way before being reduced to a pile of ash.

The episode ends with Jaime sinking to his possible death. That sure is some heavy armor he’s got on. How much does that hand weigh? I would love if Jaime’s gold hand ultimately doomed him. That’s unlikely. They wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of having Bronn knock Jaime out of harm’s way if they were going to kill him by drowning. I’m betting we’ll see Jaime as a prisoner next week.

Next Episode Predictions

• Jaime and Tyrion play checkers in Jaime’s new home: a prison cell.
• Theon makes Jon dinner in an attempt to get back in Mr. Snow’s good graces. The dinner is a disaster, as Theon makes him burnt biscuits and undercooked calamari.
• Bran freaks Littlefinger out to the point where he won’t leave his room.
• Arya continues to pick on the two stupid guards that she owned last week. This week, she dumps water on them from a doorway and gives them hypothermia. Pranks!

 

Dragonbonin’

It often feels as if every character on Game of Thrones has met up with each other at this point. I’m fairly certain that Tyrion, at the very least, has met most of the major players. Maybe he hasn’t met the Sand Snakes, but most of those jerks are dead, so who cares.

We do know, with complete certainty, that Jon Snow has not met Daenerys Targaryen before. “The Queen’s Justice” wastes no time, as Jon and Davos make incredible time getting down to Dragonstone to meet with the young contender for the Iron Throne. Traffic was most likely light, with the majority of ships destroyed, or hanging out on the other side of the continent.

Jon and Dany, meeting at last! Last acknowledged Targaryen and Secret Targaryen! Angry orphan Khaleesi vs. unwanted bastard of the North! You get the picture. It’s a big deal.

Things got off to a rocky start, as Dany started with the heavy-handed tactic employed by luminaries such as General Zod of Krypton, “KNEEL.” I know in Trump’s America Cersei’s Westeros, it’s cool to come out swinging with the bravado and such, but you need this guy, Dany. Yes, he’s got a man bun. Yes, he takes himself too seriously. Yes, he is occasionally prone to just standing there looking cool while a stampede of horses comes right at him. But, you need him.

Now, if Dany and Jon knew that they were related, that would change a lot of factors. This being dramatic television, they, of course, do not know this. She’s his aunt who is more or less the same age, right? Hmm, powerful leaders in the ultimate game, in a society in which pacts are often made with marriage. No, no, they wouldn’t do that. There’s no chance. Noooo Dany, don’t give Jon that look!

Game of Thrones, you incestuous bastards. Listen, you need Jon and Dany to be Luke and Leia. Not Luke and Leia.

Hand-off

I know Ser Davos isn’t technically Jon’s Hand (that’s most likely Sansa, if anyone), buuuut he’s more or less his Hand in this situation. Plus, he did it for Stannis, the lot of good that did old Stoic Stan*.

ANYWAY, I just wanted to briefly touch on my love for the respective Hands at play here. Davos is clearly in over his head in this situation. He’s a common man from the lowest rung of society. He’s plain spoken, in the best possible way. Davos just learned how to read from a little girl LAST YEAR. But he holds his own. He lays it out there, in an attempt to get Daenerys to cut the crap and listen to them on the frosty threat to the north.

Tyrion couldn’t be more different. Sure, he was born on the low rung of his family, but the low rung of one of the wealthiest families in Westeros is still fairly high up. He’s well-read, perhaps the most well-read non-Maester. Tyrion wants to make things work between his Queen and his old low man on the family tree buddy, Jon. Neither party makes that a particularly easy task. Thankfully, the two of them get together like adults and Tyrion didn’t have to resort to locking them in an elevator together until they started to find common ground. Let’s save that shit for Everybody Loves Hodor or whatever spinoff HBO comes up with.

*Editor’s Note: this is in no way a nickname for Stannis that can be endorsed in any universe).

 

The Cersei Supremacy

The last four episodes of Thrones have belonged to Cersei. Her turn into full on super-villain has been a glorious one, and she’s not about to pull her foot off of the gas.

Cersei’s comeback tour hit/checklist is an extensive one, yet one on which she’s already made excellent progress. She’s destroyed Margaery, her uncle, and an entire church. Let’s throw some more enemies into the mix! Thanks to my new favorite cartoonish villain, Euron Greyjoy, Cersei has the murderer of her daughter in her clutches, as well as that murderer’s daughter. We all pretty much knew where this was going with Cersei showed up with really bright lipstick. What, did you think she was trying out a new look? Sheeeeeit, Cersei is allllll out of fucks in that department. She’s just parading around the fact that she’s sleeping with her brother at this point. She learned some valuable lessons from her deceased husband, Robert, such as “who cares, I’m in charge”.

So, poison lipstick revenge for her daughter is checked off. Just to keep track, this is Cersei getting revenge for her daughter, which was revenge for Oberyn Martell. So, look forward to the revenge’s revenge’s revenge when Ellaria Sand gets free.

Cersei still has Joffrey’s killer to check off….or does she!? Cersei’s still convinced her brother did it. Even after Lady Olenna confessed to the killing the little turd just before she herself kicked the (poison-filled) bucket, I bet Cersei still insists that Tyrion did it. Regardless, her (very) little brother did kill their cruel father. Cersei remains fairly steamed about that.

Oh, Lady Olenna Tyrell, you will be missed. Your snipes were of the highest quality. At least you got to go out with a quality middle finger. A world without Tywin and Olenna’s harsh digs is certainly that much poorer. Not poorer? House Lannister, which can finally pay back the bank with all the riches they are stealing from Highgarden. This is why we all watch this show, bank transactions.

It was quite the tricky move, giving up the legendary Casterly Rock to take Highgarden. This would be an unthinkable strategy for Tywin Lannister. Queen Cersei, despite being furious about her father’s death, doesn’t really give a shit about the Rock and the Lannister legacy associated with it. Her father never believed in her. He didn’t see her as his heir, even though Tyrion is a dwarf, and Jaime is in the Kingsguard. Thus, Casterly Rock becomes little more than the stage for an Admiral Ackbar special. Those were damn fine ships that got burnt. Damn fine.

Really, Cersei can thank the unstoppable Euron Greyjoy for her recent success. This man is a real go-getter. He’s gone from years of obscure exile to almost King of the Seven Kingdoms in a few weeks. It’s the benefits of being a batshit crazy asshole. Just look at this guy parade his niece through the streets of King’s Landing!

This is a Grade A dickhead right here. But he’s kind of great. I’m entertained, I’ll say that much. The Greyjoys tend to be a real bummer. Having an entertaining Greyjoy is a new and unusual experience.

Hey Now, Hey Now, Bran Stark is Back

Bran’s back! Sansa’s got a real, not-bastard brother back in the house! One problem though, he’s weird as fuuuuuck now. Bran, buddy, I know you lost a lot of people skills while sledding beyond The Wall, but, I have to say, maybe giving your sister more of an explanation than, “I’m the Three-Eyed Raven” would be a good idea.

Whatever that means, it’s good news for Sansa, who really likes being in charge of Winterfell. It suits her. If she was the manager of the Winterfell restaurant, she’d be walking around confidently, patting people on the shoulder and smiling while asking how their night is going. Bran, he doesn’t want to do that. He’s happy being the crazy guy who hangs out just outside the restaurant claiming to know everything. This is a perfect analogy. Definitely working.

Bran’s a little antsy for Jon to come home, since he knows the big secret about Mr. Snow’s lineage. He also may know a thing or two about that snake, Littlefinger. I’m putting the over/under at 1.5 episodes before Petyr Baelish tries to kill Bran.

Adventures in Manscaping

Sam’s skin surgery on friend zone denizen Jorah Mormont was successful! Good for you, Sam. Now, Ser Jorah is free to go stalk Daenerys as much as he wants. Dude may want to cover up though. After his procedure, Jorah looks like Deadpool without his costume.

Sam’s reward for saving Ser Jorah’s life is akin to the work I did as a temp at a few law firms. Still, copying documents is better than cleaning up literal shit.

Next Episode Predictions

• Theon was plucked out of the ocean by his fellow Iron Islanders. However, Bran is back at Winterfell, so the Bran’s new Hodor theory is temporarily shelved. Theon to the Night’s Watch could still definitely happen. His incompetence could very well be the thing that brings down The Wall.
• Arya arrives at Winterfell to find Bran already usurped her good surprise. She heads south, extremely upset that she won’t be the only Stark child to return home this season. Watch out, Cersei.
• Half of the episode focuses on Dolorous Edd and his quest to find a decent hot meal in Castle Black. He does not succeed.
• Euron Greyjoy manages to kill two of Daenerys’ dragons, and tame the third for his own use. This is just what Euron does. There’s no stopping him. Sorry.

 

The Best Laid Plans of Dragons and Ironmen

90% of episode two was a classic Game of Thrones setup episode. It’s not the first time that GoT has pulled the old rope-a-dope, but it’s always a relief after a slow one. Stormborn was largely about moving the pieces into place for the next great war. Cersei and Jaime need to rally what few allies the Lannisters have. Daenerys needs to burn down King’s Landing without actually burning down King’s Landing. It is quite a conundrum.

Due to the whole not wanting to kill all of her future servants thing, Dany and Tyrion have a plan to lay siege to King’s Landing and starve Cersei and co. out. It’s a solid enough plan. Too bad Euron Greyjoy had to crash the party.

Euron took a giant dump in my face for making fun of him last week. Dude took pirating to the next level this week, killing a man with the very thing he used to board the other ship! That was some straight up Lord of the Rings shit. The end of episode two might have been sneakily low budget, what with the no backgrounds and all, but it still looked fantastic. The image of cinders floating through the air as Greyjoy ships burned and Greyjoy men were slaughtered was quite cinematic. Not so cinematic? Theon foregoing the fight with his batshit uncle to try and save Yara.

Theon’s choice of flight over fight, even for the life of his sister, isn’t the most surprising. After all, leaping away from his problems was what finally got him away from the clutches of Ramsay. A good number of viewers must have chuckled when Yara stated that her brother was her protector. Theon is shattered. He is a broken man who wants to be whole but just can’t put himself back together. Looking into his uncle’s eyes just reminded him of Ramsay’s mad gaze.

Yara and Theon let down their guard and they got burnt. Daenerys’ fleet is gone. Dorne’s leadership is in tatters. The Sand Snakes have been decimated. THE SAND SNAKES. How can this show go on without such vital, beloved characters? There’s simply no way to know.

Euron has his prize for Cersei, in the form of her daughter’s killer. Cersei’s got a giant dragon-killing arrow. Just like that, the tide has turned before the war has even started. There’s a million questions, but none more important than, “DOES THIS MEAN THEON GETS TO GO TO THE WALL AND BECOME BRAN’S NEW HODOR?” One can only hope.

Snubbed By the Wolf

OR

Hot Damn, it’s Hot Pie!

There were no celebrity run-ins for Arya Stark this week. Instead, we got something way better – the return of HOT PIE!

Yes, Hot Pie. The greatest Thrones character of them all. His reunion with Arya warmed my cold, dead heart in a way that Thrones so rarely does. Yes, that includes the moment when “Arry” slyly references the time she made actual human men into pies for another member of their family to eat.

Arya also reunited with another old friend, however this one was not as pleased to see her. Her old direwolf companion, Nymeria, appeared, with a new pack and a new life. On the one hand, she left her all alone. On the other hand, she left her alive and unharmed. I imagine the continued beating of her heart is a win for Arya.

What does this encounter mean for Arya? Her wolf is no longer her wolf. It could mean that she can’t go home to Jon and Sansa. She is no longer the little girl they knew when the Starks left for King’s Landing. But, Nymeria was not alone. She had found her place among the wolves. Arya was determined to go kill Cersei until she found out that her kin had taken back Winterfell. What I’m getting at is that Arya needs to form an elite kill squad. You know, the logical conclusion.

Adventures in Manscaping

Prior to Arya’s reunion with Hot Pie, “Stormborn” had focused on Sam Tarly and his misery with the “Charlie Work” of Old Town. Well, Sam has had enough of cleaning up shit and not doing shit. He’s here to actually help someone! And that someone just happens to be Ser Jorah Mormont!

Last time we saw Ser Jorah, he had a bit of Greyscale creeping its way up his hairy arms. Now, it’s a whole lot worse. Jorah is pretty screwed. That is, if Sam can’t help him.

Much like you following a frittata recipe on YouTube, Sam is operating on Jorah’s awful skin disease with a tool in one hand, and a book in the other. It doesn’t look pleasant for either party. Jorah’s got the immense pain and the need to keep his screams muffled. Sam has to remove jacked up skin and wade through puss and the like. Can you believe they transitioned from Jorah’s pussy Greyscale skin to a fresh shepherd’s pie? Damn you to hell, Game of Thrones.

Look, all I know is, this is a big opportunity for Sam. How many dermatologists do they have in Westeros? There might be one in Highgarden, but that is it. This is an unexplored market! Get on top of that, Sammy boy.

Going to Dragonstone with an Aching in My Gut

Jon Snow came to Winterfell to chew salted beef and make unpopular decisions. He’s all out of salted beef. Yes, despite literally dying for making tough, unpopular decisions with his followers, here’s Jon Snow telling everyone that he’s headed to Dragonstone to ask for help from Daenerys Targaryen.

Now, we as viewers know this is the correct choice. She’s sitting on a mountain of dragon glass and has three freakin’ dragons. Dragonstone is your one-stop shop for anti-White Walker supplies these days. The people of the North, well, they don’t know any better. Northern leadership’s excursions south have led to:

• Set on fire
• Beheading
• Stabbed to death at a wedding

That’s not a remotely good track record. When the North hears, “Come to the south, we’ll get together, we’ll have a few laughs,” they actually hear “COME TO YOUR DOOM”. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me four times and I am confirmed as a glutton for punishment.

Jon really has no choice. He needs to go to Dany and ask for a bowl of obsidian. No, he doesn’t want to do that. Dragons are super scary, getting the car out of the driveway is going to suck in the snow, and he’s finally just getting his new bed in Winterfell the way he likes it (stiff as a board, with just a teensy bit of softness). He doesn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to become leader of the Knight’s Watch, get stabbed to death, and be brought back by an ancient crone disguised as a hot priestess either. Yet, here he is. Jon is going to Dragonstone with Ser Davis in tow.

Next Episode Predictions

• Last week I wrote, “Theon accidentally burns down the Iron Fleet and has to flee yet another home. He ends up as Bran’s new Hodor in Castle Black.“ Well, the former Reek didn’t quite burn down the fleet, but he did abandon ship at a crucial juncture. Honestly, where the hell else can Theon go? He’s not going back to Dragonstone. Dude is definitely gonna end up as Dragon Chow if he does that. He can’t go Winterfell, King’s Landing, or the Iron Islands. He can either go east to Essos or north to the Wall. God help me if he goes to Essos.
• Additionally in accurateish predictions: was Jorah’s heartfelt letter to Daenerys really that much better than, “Y U FRIEND ZONE ME KHALEESI???”.
• Jon and Ser Davos reenact Jaws on the way down to Dragonstone. Well, except for the fact that Davos can’t do much chalkboard scraping when he’s missing all those fingers.
• Tyrion changes the plan to invade Casterly Rock from a full invasion of the Unsullied and Dothraki into a two man Metal Gear Solid stealth mission run by him and Grey Worm. Imp? IMP!? IMMMMMPPPPPPPPPP!!!!
• Littlefinger is caught taking a drunken leak on Ned Stark’s crypt. He talks his way out of it and smirks. Because Littlefinger.

Book Stuff

• I got nothin’ this week. Something something Aegon.

 

Game of Throooooones is back! These 7 episodes are gonna go by way too quickly. Just going an extra few months without new Thrones made me temporarily forget just how much I loved the madness of Westeros. Within seconds of that “Previously On” montage, I was back, dreaming of bloody vengeance and beheadings of all sorts. Welcome back, Game of Thrones. Now, I just have to figure out how to write these within a day again…

The Red Company Happy Hour

Easily, one of the most satisfying moments in season 6 was Arya slitting Walder Grey’s wrinkled old throat. That old bastard had cackled and gloated about his betrayal for far too long. Of course, Walder couldn’t kill the Starks all on his own. His (all too large) family had to pay as well. The opening to the season 7 premiere leaves you with a head scratching moment when it opens up with Walder Frey addressing a room full of the best and brightest of the Frey family (these are very loose terms in this case). Is this a flashback? Hell no, it’s not a flashback. Arya has taken the ancient face of Walder Frey for herself!

The scene wisely builds up to the Arya reveal, as Walder begins to talk about their conquest over the Starks in less than flattering terms, what with the murdering a pregnant woman and a mother in cold blood. You get a glass of poison, and you get a glass of poison! Poison for all!

Arya can check The Twins off of her Westeros reunion tour. What’s next, does she reunite with her remaining siblings? Nah, Arya ain’t got time for that. She’s got a queen to kill. Not even a Lannister acapella group can slow her down. That is what that was right? Certainly they couldn’t be soldiers. I mean, did you hear the voice on that one guy? He could be a professional or something! For the record, I used to mix up Ed Sheeran with Ed Kowalczyk from the 90s band Live. These two people could not be more different.

I tried to come up with a series of terrible Lannister acapella group names, but my knowledge of musical terms is as limited as the number of things that make Jon Snow happy.

Stark Squabbles

Ohhhh snap, Sansa and Jon are at odds! The driving point in the disagreement between Jon and Sansa is the willingness to play the game. Much like the man who raised him, Jon Snow shies away from politics and just wants to cut through the bullshit to the real principle at hand. Sansa has been hanging out with Cersei and Littlefinger for the past couple years. She has seen the danger of not playing the game.

Nobody wants this, Sansa. Just, I don’t know, have Brienne toss Littlefinger off of a tall tower and make up some lame excuse. I doubt anyone will miss him. I must have vengeance for Petyr Baelish! “Sure, he was a grade-A creep who’s betrayed anyone who has every trusted him, but he was our creep.” This phrase will never be uttered.

Shitty Times at Maester High

Sam was so happy when he got to the Citadel. Look at this place of learning! All of the knowledge is here! Nothing could go wrong for old Sam now that he’s got all the books.

Yeeeeaaahh, Sammy boy is low man on the totem pole in the Maester U. As new guy, his duties include:

• Returning any number of the 2 trillion books that the Citadel library contains.
• Serving slop in the cafeteria.
• Weighing human organs.
• Cleaning up the actual shit of dying old men.

Obviously, things are not going according to plan. Still, this has to be a little better than freezing to death while eating hard, salted meat and stale bread.

Sam desperately wants to help his companions in the Night’s Watch out with their White Walked infestation. To do that, he needs to get into the restricted area of the library, where the Maesters keep all their most disturbing pornagraphy. Why would you lock up those books if there wasn’t some depraved stuff in there? Perverts, the lot of ‘em! ::spits::

Haunted Hound

Gregor Clegane has stabbed, drank, and pillaged his way across the seven kingdoms. Ever since he nearly died at the hands of Brienne, he’s been a changed man. For the first time since reforming, the Hound is confronted with a misdeed from his past. Yes, it was a big time dick move stealing that dad’s money and leaving him for dead. Low and behold, that father and daughter are dead. Clegane, you jerk!

The Hound is changing, though. Clegane’s heart grew three sizes on the day he was left bleeding out on a hill by Arya Stark. He’s willing to hang out with smelly religious fanatics and listen to them when they say, “Look in this fire, man who’s had half his face burnt off.” That’s like asking a bullied nerd to look deeply into this toilet.

The Hound has seen the armies of the dead in the fire. We’re most likely not getting CLEGANEBOWL on the show. However, there is a very real possibility of Hound vs. White Walker Giant. I am 1000% down for this.

Cersei in Charge

Cersei’s first decree as queen was having various badass black outfits made for her, for intimidation purposes, of course. Cersei’s second decree was nun torture. Cersei’s third decree appears to have been commissioning a huge floor painting of Westeros, what for dramatic exposition and evil scheming. She’s the best super villain there is.

So, what’s up with Euron Greyjoy? Is he auditioning for Judas Priest? This is the look of a man about to thrust his groin towards a large crowd. Euron claims to want to marry Cersei and wants to give her a “priceless gift”. Let’s guess what that could be!

• Tyrion in a box
• Double V Neck Guitar
• Dragon egg
• A really nice candle
• The DVD of Goodfellas that’s two-sided so you actually need to flip the disc mid-movie
• The long-lost true heir to the Targaryen throne that everyone forgot about until just now
• Pogs

He’s not making it back, is he?

The Dragons are Here!

It’s true, it’s true, Daenerys and her crew have finally left Mereen for the frosty shores of Westeros! All you see in this episode is her getting back to Dragonstone and checking out the castle’s many badass dragon statues and its cool Westeros table. It looks like whoever designed Dragonstone really wanted to give its visitors a workout getting from the beach to the castle. Stannis’ calves must have been amazing.

You just know that if the Dany returning to Dragonstone scene was written from Tyrion’s perspective in A Song of Ice and Fire that George R.R. Martin would make repeated references to how much his legs hurt from the long walk. Dude loves writing about little person leg cramps almost as much as loves writing about medieval food and pink masts.

Soon, Targaryen and Lannister forces will be fighting, and dragons will be blowing stuff up. Gimme, gimme gimme.

By the way, how badass is the throne at Dragonstone? It rules. It’s the most metal thrones ever made. Yes, that includes the Iron Throne, which is made from melted friggin swords.

Next Episode Predictions

• Theon accidentally burns down the Iron Fleet and has to flee yet another home. He ends up as Bran’s new Hodor in Castle Black.
• Lady Olenna says something so sassy that Cersei actually feels it in King’s Landing.
• Apparently popular singer and big time ginger ED SHEERAN is made a permanent cast member and given even more lines, plus two original songs an episode from here on out. Everyone will love it.
• Ser Jorah finally writes a heartfelt letter to Daenerys from his greyscale throne. Unfortunately, he only write “Y U FRIEND ZONE ME KHALEESI???” over and over.
• The Hound becomes a pyromaniac as he becomes obsessed with seeing things in the fire.

Book Stuff

• I’m assuming we’re not going to delve into a grand Maester conspiracy storyline. There is zero time for that on the show.
• Euron Greyjoy is on a quest for Danaerys in the the books, and actually sends Victarion to impress/kidnap her while she is still in Meereen. His interaction with Cersei is most likely more necessity than mixing things up for the sake of mixing things up. Right? It’s either that or they introduced the character and simply had no idea what to do with him. Hell, I’m still not convinced that George R.R. Martin knows what he’s doing with Euron/Victarion. Fuckin’ Greyjoys, amirite?

After last week’s Battle of the Bastards, a number of people wondered how the Game of Thrones season 6 finale could possibly follow that up. Well, it may have actually topped it.

Shame 3: The Revenge

Many people have had issues with the Faith vs. Crown storyline in King’s Landing throughout the season. Cersei Lannister has struggled to gain a foothold against the High Sparrow and his minions. She had been counting on the Mountain to bail her out in a good old fashioned trial by combat, but then poor, soft Tommen had to go and outlaw that. What other choice did Cersei have? She had to take them all down. The Faith, Margaery, it all had to go. What better way than to take a page out of the Mad King’s old playbook?

I bet you never thought you would ever see a time bomb on Game of Thrones, yet here we are! Cersei’s strike against all of her foes was masterfully executed, from the amazing score to the slow reveal of just how screwed everyone gathered in the Sept was. It was an ambitious sequence that the production team absolutely nailed.  Cersei’s vengeance echoes Walter White’s prison strike from season 5 of Breaking Bad. Surely, she is now of the most feared figures in Westeros.

The price of her ultimate victory was high, however. The prophecy she has been dreading came true as Tommen took his own life upon seeing the Sept go up in green flames. Honestly, Margaery is a Westeros 10, he wasn’t gonna do better. A life of Motherboy conventions is not a life worth living. Tommen’s gold shroud seems to be the tipping point into making Cersei a full-blown villain. She was 95% of the way there, but this is really the icing on the cake (Devil’s Food, obvs).

Her reign may be a short one, but Cersei’s rise to the top was unforgettable. She completely outplayed Margaery in the game of thrones. She bested her arch enemy, Septa Unella, and not only gave her a wine waterboarding, but also left her to be The Mountain’s plaything. No, you do not want to know what that means. Please, for the love of the gods, don’t think about it.

Thus, we bid adieu to most of the cast of King’s Landing.

So long, Margaery. You played the game well, but not well enough.

So long, Tommen. I hope you didn’t request to be buried with Ser Pounce.

So long, High Sparrow. You were old and kind of a jerk.

So long, Lancel. Your hair in seasons 1 and 2 is still hilarious to think about.

So long, Ser Loras. I really liked that sword swallower joke your grandmom made about you that one time. I wish we had gotten to see you be a badass a couple more times.

So long, Grand Maester Pycelle. I really loved it when Tyrion messed with you back in season 2.

So long, Mace Tyrell. You were hilariously inept.

So long, Uncle Kevan. You were…there.

Oh Frey Pie My Position is Tragic

Walder Frey has lived a good, long, wicked life. He’s a dick who has scraped by living the cockroach life. He cackles and drinks and marries all day long. He’s had a reckoning coming his way, just like Ramsay did.

Many people predicted that the preview scenes of the Freys and Lannisters celebrating indicated a second Red Wedding. A Revenge Wedding of sorts. Certainly, with the Brotherhood Without Banners operating out in the open again along with the renewed Starks, it seemed like a possibility. What we got instead was so much better. Arya Stark announced her return to Westeros in the best way possible, with pie!

Some complained that Arya technically failed assassin academy, so how could she kill three Freys on the sly like she did? Of course she failed at killing innocent strangers, that’s not her calling. She is serving the Many-Faced God on her terms. Her heart isn’t in killing just anyone, it’s in killing those who have taken her loved ones from her. Vengeance, thy name is Arya.

In feeding Walder Frey his own sons and slitting the ancient man’s throat, Arya paid her own price to the Faceless Men: her soul. She revels in the power of her skill. It’s both immensely satisfying and tragic. Yes, we all want to see Walder Frey die a horrific death for what he did to Robb and Catelyn. Arya, however, is still a little girl who should have a long life ahead of her. The path she’s on will leave her as a shell of a person, much like the scarred man she left for dead a couple of years ago. Just look at how satisfied she looks!

Arya has a big decision ahead of her. She now has a home to return to with family that she loves. That’s an option that she lacked when she took off for Braavos. That said, one of the few remaining people on her hit list just sat down in the Iron Throne down south. That’s a mighty big target, and certainly someone that needs a comeuppance. She could always just lead the Brotherhood Without Banners and become a metaphorical Lady Stoneheart.

Oldtown Style

Sam got to Oldtown, where he can finally attend wizard maester school. Good for you, buddy.

Pro: Yay, book learning.

Con: No girls allowed. Sorry, Gilly.

Pro: Big ass library. Like, really frickin’ huge.

Con: It will probably be a little while before he can deliver that Valyrian steel sword to the men in the North, who really, really need it.

I will say, Sam provided a nice moment of comic relief in an episode filled with shocks and revelations. Not totally terrible. And no sign of any pink masts.

King in the North II: Snowletric Boogaloo

Winterfell is finally back under Stark control after a couple of years flaying men (mostly Theon). Rickon would have been the easy selection for the new lord of Winterfell, and while that might have been mildly interesting, it doesn’t place a firm wedge between Jon and Sansa. Jon doesn’t really seem to want any part of ruling Winterfell. That’s too bad, because all the Northerners see is Ned Stark’s son, who took his home back by brave, dumb force. The North loves dumb bravery. They eat that shit for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert. Even a little bit more for second breakfast, and supper.

Thus, we have a new King in the North, thanks to the most badass little girl to ever walk the Earth, Lyanna Mormont. She basically stood up and called out every remaining northern house. Hey, House Manderley, here’s a big middle finger for you. House Glover? You suck. Big time. Here’s another one for you. Fuuuuuuck all y’all! Lyanna Mormont for president of everything.

Jon’s been reluctantly elected top Northerner, which sadly may put him at odds with Sansa. Sansa might tell sleazy Littlefinger that she doesn’t want a piece of the pie, but she’s fought so hard to get to this point. It was her reaching out to the slimiest man in the seven kingdoms that assured victory for the Starks in the Battle of the Bastards. All of the other ladies on the show are finally tasting power, why not Sansa?

She’s come to grow fond of her half-brother. It would be a damn shame to see her take after her mother that she’s oh so much like in hating on sullen Jonny Snow. Look, Sansa, he’s not even really Ned Stark’s son! Didn’t you see that flashback with the baby? Hit your DVR and you’ll see it. I mean, he’s really more of a contender for the Iron Throne itself, but that’s neither here nor there. Winterfell is all yours, girl. Well, until the Three-Eyed Branden comes back.

Secret Targaryen Summed Up

Oh yeah, that’s right, Jon Snow was confirmed as a secret Targaryen! It’s really the only thing that makes sense. Do you really think honorable Ned Stark was out there making bastards? That guy wanted to give Stannis the Iron Throne and trusted Littlefinger. No way was that guy cheating on his arranged wife. Here is a brief explanation of the situation, for you non-book readers who may be confused:

• Rhaegar Targaryen (prince of Westeros, heir to the Iron Throne) runs off with Lyanna Stark (Ned’s sister, duh).
• Robert Baratheon loved Lyanna Stark and was super pissed. 
• Big war. Oh noes.
• Rhaegar killed at the Battle of the Trident.
• Jaime Lannister kills King Aerys Targaryen, earning the title of Kingslayer
• Ned tracks his sister down to the Tower of Joy, which is guarded by 3 of the most dangerous members of the Kingsguard. Said 3 members probably should have been out fighting in that whole war thing. Hmmmmmm… 🤔
• Ned and Howland Reed survive the Tower of Joy. Ned goes and finds his sister with child at the top of said Tower.
• Lyanna asks Ned to keep Jon secret, keep Jon safe, since Robert would probably crush his baby skull with his war hammer. Robert had a bit of a temper. He really hated Rhaegar. Robert was also kind of a dick.

Got it? No? Well, you’re hopeless.

The Lonely Woman

Goodbye, Melisandre. The Red Priestess who’s only hot when she wear her jewelry has been told to hit the bricks. Something about lighting a little girl on fire or something. Anyway, this is just another excuse to post “The Lonely Man” from The Incredible Hulk.

Westbound and Down

The dragons are finally coming! All these years later and it’s finally happening, you guys! Daenerys has finally left accursed Mereen and shit is going down. Season 6 ends with the glorious and ominous sight of the Targaryen fleet sailing to Westeros to reclaim the Iron Throne for that family of silver-haired maniacs.

They’ll even have some support! Dorne and Highgarden have put aside their centuries-old feud to really give it to what’s left of the Lannisters. It’s a momentous occasion, and not just because Lady Olenna has even less fucks to give due to the death of her entire family.

Varys must be very proud for putting it all together. What a crafty sonuvabitch. It was also quite the revelation to find out about Varys’ teleportation powers. Wow, just over an episode to make it to Dorne and less than half of an episode to make it back in time to be riding on Dany’s flagship? Impressive.

No, no, the episode very clearly played with time and I’m sure Dany didn’t want to leave until she had her southern staging ground all set up. You need to book your hotel room before you book your trip, you guys. It’s basic math.

How swell was that scene where Tyrion was named Hand of the Queen? The little guy finally got the respect he’s been yearning for after all these years. It was a sweet little scene that showed how far Tyrion has come since getting snubbed after saving King’s Landing from Stannis. This is all Tyrion has ever wanted. Dany knows what’s up, she doesn’t want to get crossbowed while taking a dump.

So bring on the dragons and all-out war for what is sure to be an absolutely insane final two seasons. Oh, Game of Thrones, you always end too soon.

Next Episode Predictions

• Daenerys meets Olenna Tyrell and immediately orders her executed. No one can keep up with that wit.
• Bran and Meera Reed freeze to death while trying to find a door to the other side of the Wall.
• Littlefinger stands outside of Sansa’s window with a music box, Say Anything style. It is largely ineffective.
• Littlefinger tries to win the North’s vote by promising to build a wall to keep the White Walkers out, and even have them build it. He is quickly reminded that this wall already exists and might have been built by them. He is booed out of the North.
• Cersei and Jaime gross everyone out and decide to make more kids. Blaaaaargh.
• Arya, having killed Walder Frey and discovered her love of baking pies, decides to retire and live a simple life baking with Hot Pie.
• Euron Greyjoy sails up to Dany’s ship, revs his boat engine (wait what), and says, “Sup?” He is incinerated in moments.
• Sam leaves Heartsbane sitting around on a bench. Another Maester takes it and archives it deep in Oldtown.

Book Stuff

• Grand Maester Pycelle was sort of handed the same fate that he was in the books, having been stabbed to death by the Little Birds. Kevan Lannister, sadly (?), just gets blown the hell up with the Faith and the Tyrells. He’s essentially murdered by Varys for being too competent in comparison to Cersei’s craziness. Varys didn’t arrange any of those murders in this version, yet he has to be very pleased with how it all played out. Now, Varys has the support of Highgarden and Dorne thanks to Cersei’s machinations. It’s worth wondering if he let Qyburn have the Little Birds to further Cersei’s crazy schemes. Certainly, Tommen, the Tyrells, and the Faith, would be a more formidable force than what’s left.
• Jaime returned from the Riverlands unscathed, unlike the books. In A Feast for Crows and A Dance With Dragons, Jaime is tricked into Lady Stoneheart’s trap by Brienne. It is worth noting that Jaime’s thoughts throughout those two books become increasingly negative against Cersei. Jaime’s reaction to Cersei seating herself on the Iron Throne isn’t the most encouraging. He seems a bit shocked and suspicious. Perhaps this is the wedge that has been driven between them. I could also be completely misreading the situation and Jaime will be more than glad to become her incestuous King.
• I was very much expecting Jon to be named a Stark by the Northern Houses. It may not be possible by show standards, however, it is very possible by book standards. Robb has an official document floating out there, somewhere, that names Jon a Stark. Yes, he’s not really a Stark by patriarchal last name standards, but that dude is as close to Ned Stark Jr. as they come.
• I was so happy to see Frey Pies happen! It wasn’t quite the same as Wyman Manderley feasting upon them, yet it was still pretty damn great.
• R + L = J is now confirmed. Does Benjen = Coldhands count as confirmed? Cersei’s prophecy came true. What’s the next big theory to be confirmed?

 

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: the 9th episode of a season of Game of Thrones was one of the best of said season. Crazy, right? For whatever reason, the second to last episode is when shit historically blows up. Boy, did shit ever blow up in “Battle of the Bastards”.

Winterflay No More

Throughout the first season of Game of Thrones, Winterfell was a place of warmth and comfort. It was not only the home of the Starks, but also the viewers. It was the one place that felt safe from all of the chaos in Westeros. Then, Theon Greyjoy had to go and ruin it. Since then it’s been burnt and taken hostage by the owners of the grossest similar around: The Boltons. The Flayed Man’s presence on the walls of the Starks’ home never felt right. It was a violation of what we cared about on Game of Thrones.

Ramsay’s violation of Sansa was just salt in the wound. Just how long can this piece of shit continue to win? We watched him turn Theon into a husk. He made feel for Theon! Theon was the worst before Ramsay was the worst! He repelled Yara and the Ironborn with little more than a crazy look. Stannis’ forces lost their morale due to Ramsay’s 20 good men. It had gotten to the point where Reddit was claiming that Ramsay had too much “plot armor” to be killed. Really, though, Ramsay needed to take on his mirror image in Jon Snow.

The “Bastard Bowl” didn’t disappoint. Game of Thrones has often skimmed the epic battles due to budgetary reasons. The Battle of the Blackwater, for instance, was a little fighting outside the gates of King’s Landing and some green explosions. Stannis’ defeat last season wasn’t even seen on camera. That said, the action and the budget have increased each season. Sure, we didn’t get the last Baratheon (besides ever floating Gendry) vs. Ramsay, but we did get the incredible “Hardhome”. Miguel Sapochnik did such a great job with that one that he was called back to show which Snow was better.

It is an incredible accomplishment for a television show to give us the scaled of the battle shown in “Battle of the Bastards”. From the gorgeous shot of Jon’s initial encounter with the Bolton army cavalry, you knew this was different. Horses colliding, guts spilling out, a mass of corpses so large it was used to trap all of Jon’s forces. WUN WUN. Holy shit, who knew that you could put Lord of the Rings scale fantasy on a weekly television show?

The tension is high throughout the encounter. Jon’s forces are drastically outnumbered. Ramsay’s ploy to piss off Jon by hunting his brother, Rickon, was gut wrenching. Poor kid, he got to come back for about two scenes of looking dirty and sad. As awful as that was, it didn’t hold a candle to Jon nearly suffocating below a mass of humanity. As Snow struggled to breathe under his own allies, I found myself running short of breath.

“Battle of the Bastards” is the anti-Red Wedding. It’s a rousing crowd pleaser of an episode that sees the remaining Starks (sorry, Rickon) triumph over that human pile of horse shit that was Ramsay Bolton. The Direwolf is once again draped over the walls of Winterfell and it feels oh so good.

What price did Sansa pay to see Ramsay’s own hellhounds devour him alive? Littlefinger is as close to the devil as Westeros has. I imagine there has to be a marriage pact in the cards, giving Sansa a cool hat trick. Is it to her sickly cousin, Robin? Gross. Is it Baelish himself? Grosser. Whatever it is, it’s not good. Dude cannot be trusted. He has a plan to climb that chaotic ladder. It increasingly seems like the whole thing may come down to Baelish and the North vs. Varys and the South.

And where does Jon Snow go from here? He has no intention of marching south and putting himself on the Iron Throne. He will certainly want to protect his half-sister and their family’s home. Does that involve uniting the North against the real threat beyond the Wall? He may have to do it without the red priestess, Melisandre. The Onion Knight found the Princess Shireen’s burnt stag. He may be mostly illiterate, but he can do simple math. Davos would have words with thee.

Dracarys is Valyrian for “Ya Burnt!”

Oh no, the Masters are here, whatever shall Tyrion, Grey Worm, and Missandei do? It turns out that they didn’t have to do jack shit. Daenerys Targaryen came back and absolutely wrecked the slavers with her fire-breathing friends. Even Grey Worm got to do something badass, with that double Master knife swipe. Is that the first time he’s ever done something particularly cool? Meereen scenes tend to lump together in my mind when there aren’t dragons involved.

Thankfully, even though the situation looked quite bad upon Dany arriving home, Tyrion wasn’t fed to Drogon. Hey, maybe a Targ is actually being reasonable! It would be the first time in fictional history. Adding to that reasonableness, she agrees to meet with two people from a very unreasonable area: the Iron Islands. Yara and Theon have beaten their mad Uncle Euron to Meereen and have offered their services to Dany. Yara is certainlya little more, um, willing, with the offers than her brother. He has some understandable issues. I kind of love Yara and Daenerys together, chumming it up over being ladies in charge. Frankly, the Meereen crew needs all the personality it can get. Now get your ass to King’s Landing.

Next Episode Predictions

• Walder Frey laughs so hard about the Blackfish’s death that he crumbles into a pile of dust.
• Littlefinger gets drunk and rubs his butt all over the Ned Stark portion of the Winterfell crypts.
• It turns out that the Sand Snakes went back to their home in space, far away from everything.
• Arya is named the new Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch.
• Sansa declares Jon a legitimate Stark. Jon responds with a simple, “Meh.”
• The Mountain finally takes off his helmet to reveal the head sewed on is none other than…Ros the prostitute!? WOW.
• Melisandre accidentally brings Ramsay back to life. Whoopsie daisy!

Book Stuff

• It looks like the show didn’t even want to deal with the Meereenese Knot and burned right through it. The Battle of Fire wasn’t even remotely a battle.
• Given where Stannis is at the beginning of The Winds of Winter and the legitimacy of “The Pink Letter”, the Bastard Bowl may not even remotely happen in the same way in the books. Hell, Theon and Asha are his prisoners and not remotely close to gaining the support of Daenerys Targaryen.
• I guess no one is getting Quentyn’d. Aw man.
• Another large deviation is Davos’ storyline. In the books, we were lead to believe he was dead for a couple chapters before finding out that he’s been recruited by Wyman “Fatty McBadass” Manderly to bring Rickon Stark back from the wilderness. I imagine things work out a bit better for Rickon in the book. They have to, right?

Kick this shit into high gear because we are headed into the sixth season’s stretch run!

Brother Hound (OR A History of Crotch Violence)

Last week, we found out that the Hound was alive and (relatively) well. He made a friend and quickly lost him. Such is life when you’re one of the toughest SOBs in Westeros. There is no peace for Sandor Clegane. What do you do when you’re The Hound and your new friend is murdered? You go murder the hell out of the murderers.

Oh, how those murderers got murdered. The Hound walks up without saying a word and starts swinging that axe. Guys getting chopped up as Clegane walks around like Westerosi Clint Eastwood. The Man With No Face. One guy even gets that vengeful axe to the uh, nether regions. My gawd!

Eventually, Clegane makes his way to the Brotherhood Without Banners proper, who have already taken their renegade member and placed him in a noose. Maybe The Hound can join up with them, roaming the countryside and defending the little guy. Or he can just march around and kill whoever he wants. It’s a tough call.

I would say that he could march down to King’s Landing and represent the Faith against his undead brother, but noooooooo. Tommen had to go and proclaim that trial by combat is off the books. No Cleganebowl. Christmas is off, kids. Sorry.

Arya Stark and the All-Dead Waif

Arya flunked out of assassin school. Don’t sweat it, kid, happens to the best of us. Of course, most schools don’t try to kill you when you when you flunk out.

Thus, we have reached the end of the road for Arya and her quest to be “No One”. She’s tried to move on to a world where she isn’t an honorable to a fault Stark and it just isn’t for her. Either Arya was going to get back home, or the Waif was going to add one more face to Faceless Men’s vast collection.

The Waif and Arya’s final bout was a thrilling, desperate race across Braavos, reminiscent of the end chase from The Matrix. Arya’s a lot like Neo. They both try to surpass their lives and become badasses with the help of mysterious older men. Neo can access any of type of weapon or fighting style in the blink of an eye. Arya knows how to catch cats and stab people with a thin sword. Neo’s name is an anagram for “One”. Arya’s name is an anagram for…uh…Yara? Raya? Wait, I have this. A Ray! Of hope or some shit. Nailed it.

This chase leads to Arya’s ultimate badass moment. The Waif thinks she has her cornered. This is the end of the line for her annoying rival. Oh, but what’s this, Arya led her back to her hidey hole where she keeps Needle? Whatever, this is little more than a desperate last stand. Then Arya shuts the lights off with one flick of her wrist. DAAAAAYYYYUMMMMM. So cool.

Good news, though, it turns out she passed Braavosi Badass Academy by killing the Waif (and posting her bloody face up in the House of Black and White). Mazel Tov! It turns out that Arya is through with trying to be no one. She is Arya Stark, and she’s going home to find her family and fix her home. The band is getting back together, you guys!

Siege the Day

Jaime Lannister is not ready for a two year siege. He’s got a sister to make sweet love to and…well, that’s all he’s got planned.

The Blackfish isn’t budging, so Jaime has to think outside the box. He’s got a couple of options. Brienne just happened to show up to ask Brynden Tully for help with Jon and Sansa’s forces up north. She could lure the Blackfish out. There’s also Edmure Tully, who has been sitting around, apparently getting shaved in a cell each day.

Technically, dumb old Edmure is the Lord of Riverrun at the moment. Who are the men on the walls to deny him entrance to his home? One threat of throwing Eddy Tully’s baby into a catapult later, he’s walking into Riverrun and betraying his Uncle. His father would be so proud.

It all works out really nicely for Jaime. He gets his victory and he doesn’t have to fight his best friend. Yeah, Bronn thinks Jaime and Brienne are playing “Hide the Maester” (wait, what?), but their relationship goes way deeper than the desires of Tumblr. They’ve been through so much shit. Jaime jumped into a scary bear pit! They’re just really good friends that exchange perhaps their last look as good friends as Brienne floats up the river, back to the rebellious forces she has sworn to fight for.

Varys Out!

Varys is leaving. Either he has finally had enough of Tyrion’s jokes about his lack of a penis, or his Eunuch sense is going crazy, because he got out just before the shit hit the fan. The Masters are here to ruin everyone’s good time. Of course Tyrion’s plan to negotiate with the slavers backfired on him. Why wouldn’t it? This is Game of Thrones and shit doesn’t get resolved in a neat and clean manner.

It’s a shame, too, because Tyrion finally got Grey Worm and Missandei to drink a little wine and try their hand at the ancient art of joking. It’s like getting your uptight friend to finally let loose when a car explodes in front of your house. And then your mom shows up on her dragon and is not happy.

Props to Danaerys on the entrance. Having your dragon drop you off on the roof is baller as all heck. Please don’t throw Tyrion over the balcony. He meant well!

Next Episode Predictions

• Arya magically makes it to Winterfell in time to see Jon and Ramsay locked in combat. She attempts to stab Ramsay with Needle, but the blade bounces off of him and runs through Jon’s heart. Ramsay then mounts the entire Stark family’s heads in his playroom and turns them into a drum set.
• Cersei escapes from King’s Landing on The Mountain’s back on a quest to kill as many things as possible.
• Davos runs away to the sea and finally fulfills his destiny, becoming Westeros’ Aquaman.
• Now that Edmure Tully is kind of free, he has to eat dinner with father-in-law, Walder. Tonight’s special? Chicken broth and a little stale bread. Edmure asks for Jaime’s catapult.

Book Stuff

• Beric Dondarrion is still alive and well, so it looks like Lady Stoneheart still isn’t in the cards. Here’s my shocked face.
• The Battle of Fire is considerably different in the show. In the book, the battle is well under way while Daenerys is off getting dysentery in the Dothraki Sea. With Dany and her largest dragon back just in time for the action, the odds are looking considerably up for Team Dragon Queen.
• Varys is leaving. Cersei might be on her way out of King’s Landing (or life in general). Qyburn has mentioned the Little Bird network a few times. I sure would not feel great if I’m Kevan Lannister right now. Dude got about 5 seconds of power in the books before he met those teeny, tiny Birds.

Intros are stupid, let’s get to it.

Riverrunaround

The Freys’ siege of Riverrun is just as bad as you’d anticipate it would be. They’re the McPoyle family of Westeros, what with their floppy hats and missing teeth. Jaime and Bronn arrive just in time to take things over from Liam and Ryan Frey before they accidentally drown in the moat or something.

Of course, then he has to deal with the Blackfish. The stubborn old bastard would sooner die than give the castle he was born in over to the fiends that organized his sister and nephew’s murders. Buckle up, Jaime, this might be a long siege.

Secret Garden

Margaery appeared to give in to the High Sparrow and the Faith Militant last week, without having to go for a nude stroll through filthy King’s Landing. The High Sparrow is still creepin’ though, asking why she hasn’t gotten busy making babies with her husband. Back off, man!

The High Sparrow is all about moving that agenda forward, basically telling Margaery to tell her grandmom, the Queen of Thorns, to get the hell out of King’s Landing. That’s one stubborn old lady, it would take a lot to get her to move. Secret Rose Note! That means…something. So the queen is up to some…thing…yes…

At least Lady Olenna takes one more opportunity to call Cersei an idiot before she bugs out of town. That’s what Ned Stark should have done. Shut up, dummy, I’m going home.

Stark-Aid

The reunited Stark kids have burning desire to retake their ancestral home. There’s one problem, the need an army made up of more than just Wildlings and Ser Davos’ finger pouch if they have any hope of retaking one of the toughest fortresses in the North.

As the Boltons control most of the major houses in the North at the moment, Jon and Sansa have to resort to rallying the smaller houses that are still loyal to the Stark family. There’s the Mormonts, home of the dead Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch (the one that stayed dead) and everyone’s favorite Greyscale havin’ Khaleesi yeller, Ser Jorah. Their tiny, fierce Lord Lyanna rightly points out that Jon is a rotten Snow and Sansa has married both Lannister and Bolton. Thankfully, Ser Davos is there to say, “Stop busting our balls, there’s a whole mess of ice zombies coming!”

A few stops on the old recruiting trip do not prove nearly as fruitful as Jonsa (Sanson?) would have liked. They need a lot more men if they’re going to take Winterfell. Sansa knows a really reliable, totally trustworthy guy who has an army and is willing to help! Light the Littlefinger signal! What is it, like, an outline of a weasel or something?

Personally, I still think Jon’s manbun is hurting the cause. You know what to do, Jonny Snow.

Ironporn

We got a little peek at what Theon and Yara are up to, mostly to reach this season’s boob quota. Yes, they made a stop in at a brothel. There are needs that the Ironborn that still have penises attached need to fulfill. Scratch that, maybe I should say “Ironborn that still have sex drives”. Yara likes the ladies! Look at all these surprised fa…ok it ain’t exactly a shocker.

Yara’s plan is to beat out Uncle Euron in pledging allegiance to the Dragon Queen down in Meereen. They do have the boats, although they lack the swagger and madness. Those are important factors when trying to entice a Targaryen. If only Theon could get back to his old, cocky self. If only he had said cock. Alas.

The Hound is Back in Toooooown

Oh yes, you’re damn right that when Sandor Clegane went down to Brienne of Tarth a couple seasons back that I knew the Hound would eventually be back. Area leaving the toughest SOB in Westeros for dead doesn’t mean that he’s really dead. And boom, here he is, splitting logs like he used to split skulls.

Clegane looks to have given up the murderous life and settled for helping out a tiny religious community the needs lots of firewood. Said community is led by Deadwood’s AL SWEARENGEN. WOW. Wait, no, he’s playing Septon Meribald Brother Ray, a religious man out to make a small, peaceful community. How sweet. There’s nary a cocksucker to be found.

TARNATION, there’s BANDITS roaming about too! I bet you were expecting Seven Samurai or something with the Hound and Septon. Nooooope. Everyone got jacked up while the Hound was out debranching a tree or some shit. His new buddy, Ray, got hanged. Come on Clegane!

The Hound will surely blame his old foes in the Brotherhood Without Banners, as the men who threatened the community mentioned the Lord of Light. Maybe he’ll take them out before moseying on down to King’s Landing to find his undead brother running around and finally have a chance to take out the number one person on his hit list. I wonder if he’s got Arya on there too. Hey, speaking of Arya…

Waifing

Arya made a bold decision in choosing to go against the Faceless Men’s orders to kill an innocent actress. You can take a Stark out of Winterfell, but you can’t take Winterfell out of a Stark. Wait, that’s not right. The point is, honor ultimately wins out in the Starks. It’s killed most of them, but it’s there, dammit.

Arya knows that her decision has painted a giant target on her back. She’s got to get the hell back to Westeros! She’s a clever girl, she knows that the war torn country an ocean away is safer than trying to hide from two assassins who could be literally anyone.

Except she forgot that “could be literally anyone” part and got done stabbed by the Waif! Stupid Arya let her guard down for a little old lady. Foolish! It’s as I always say, “Never trust the elderly. They smell weird and like bad candy.” Come on Arya, don’t you remember that your assassin buddies have an entire basement emporium of faces to wear?

Next Episode Predictions

• Sam accidentally throws Heartsbane into the sea. Whoopsie daisy!
• Arya is stabbed by the Waif in every conceivable disguise. Baby, 45-year-old man, Hodor. You name it, she Waifs it.
• The Blackfish plays around with the drawbridge on Riverrun until the chains snap.
• Brienne arrives at Riverrun only to find the gigantic Lannister army surrounding it. She turns around the tells Sansa that the Blackfish was nowhere to be found.
• Tyrion and Varys find out that Daenerys will be home any day now and scramble to clean up the epic mess they’ve made in the throne room.
• Sansa has to make 100 more snow Winterfells that Robin Arryn can destroy before he’ll agree to support her and Jon against the Boltons.

Book Stuff

• I guess we can safely say that gravedigger = Hound is CONFIRMED now.
• Can we so go ahead and confirm Cleganebowl??? How sweet would it be to see Cersei March her champion, The Mountain, up there, and have her son’s former dog and the Mountain’s one time brother win the day and sentence her to death? A Lannister always pays his debts, and Cersei owes the many-faced God a substantial one at this point.
• Soooooo, is Septon Meribald going to show up, or was Brother Ray him, or what the what?
• Quentyn doesn’t exist in show continuity, so there hasn’t been anyone that has shared his girly, sad fate. Theon and Yara are now headed to Meereen. Come on, who doesn’t want to see Theon utter a final, “Oh.” It doesn’t make sense, but since when has that mattered?

After last week’s episode made tears well up in my super manly eyes, I needed a regular old transition episode of Game of Thrones to level me out. That’s what episode 6 is for, transitions! Still, a lot of shit happened.

Oh and by the way, I recorded a podcast with my buddy John, discussing the first 5 episodes of this season. Listen to it! Or don’t!

All-New Three-Eyed Raven

After getting his Direwolf, mentor, and Hodor killed, Bran’s looking like a real shithead. He doesn’t care though, dude is stuck in the past. Poor Meera has to drag him through the ice and snow while he’s going all white eyed in the weirwood network. Help a lady out, Bran!

Thankfully, help appears in the form of a badass rider with a fire chain and scythe thing. Is it Ghost Rider? No, no, Ghost Rider is terrible. It’s Reddit’s favorite character, Benjen Stark! After theorizing that he’s Daario, Euron, Ser Pounce, and R’hllor, the correct answer turned out to be that he’s undead beyond the wall.

It shouldn’t be entirely surprising that Benjen came back in some form. His presence has lingered in the show’s memory, even leaving his fate very ambiguous. Using Benjen as bait to murder Jon Snow in season 5’s finale wasn’t merely a coincidence, it was a reminder. Benjen’s back, baby! And totally not Daario!

The Terrible Tarlys

As you might have guessed, Samwell Tarly’s father is a real asshole. He forced his oldest son to join the murderers and rapists that make up the Night’s Watch these days to ensure that Sam wouldn’t inherit jack shit. While Sam is a fat wuss, he deserves better than that!

So, Sam’s got some repressed anger towards his father, even though he’s the type of person to never let that out. Still, Sam has a solid plan to ensure a future for Gilly and her baby: tell the Tarly family that it’s his bastard that he made with her while she was whoring around in Mole’s Town! Classic.

Unfortunately, Sam and Gilly are not masters of deception. Sam can’t simply lie to his father and brother and tell them that he’s been hunting deer up beyond the Wall. Gilly can’t help but defend Sam against his dickhead father and blurts out that they traveled south towards the Wall, blowing the lid on her background as a Wildling. Still, Pa Tarly was going to let Gilly and little (huge baby) Sam stay at Horn Hill while saying a permanent, “GOOD DAY” to his eldest son after having a dinner straight out of Step Brothers (Sam is a combination of Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly while his bro is Adam Scott obviously).

Enough’s enough. While Sam won’t directly stand up to his permanently frowny faced father, he is willing to secretly rebel by stealing the house Valyrian sword, Heartsbane. Where is he going to take Gilly and the baby now? Is he still planning to become a Maester, or does he take that White Walker killing blade back North, where it’s needed most? There’s only one candidate to inherit Heartsbane, Sam. Dolorous Edd. Do it.

Faceless Meh

Arya has spent a decent amount of time learning how to be an assassin with the Faceless Men. She’s learned how to blend in, be everyone and no one. She’s learned how to kill in all different manners. Yet, she’s not quite there yet. She’s still got a heart. She still has a personality. That just can’t stand if you want to honor the many-faced god.

Ned Stark’s younger daughter just can’t pull the trigger on an innocent woman, even one who is portraying one of the top people on her hit list, Cersei Lannister. The play is such an interesting setup for Arya’s final test. It prominently features the death of her father. She leaves just before the death of her temporary semi-mentor Tywin. The actress playing her sister is the scheming ladder climber (the perfect companion for Petyr “chaos is a ladder” Baelish). It’s Arya’s “Ghost of Christmas Past”.

Arya’s rejection of the assassin’s life has painted a target on her head that her old pal, The Waif, just can’t wait to aim for. Arya’s worn her share of faces and names, ultimately, it’s the sword she got from her brother that doesn’t share her true name that she holds on to as she waits to look death in the eye.

Faith V Crown

The forces of the Faith and the Crown finally came to a…peaceful settlement? Queen Margaery helped herself by converting her young husband to the High Sparrow’s way of thinking. I’m sure the High Sparrow is disappointed though. You know he’s in it for the booooooobz and do not try to tell me otherwise.

The Crown-Faith treaty screws over the Tyrells, who look like a bunch of big dumb-dumbs with their entire army marching into the city for no reason, as well as Jaime Lannister, who is out as the head of the Kingsguard.

Somewhere in the great beyond, Tywin Lannister is very slightly smiling. Like, the corner of his mouth budged. Tywin wasn’t much for smiles. With his son out of the Kingsguard, he finally has an appropriate Lannister heir out in the world. I mean, yeah, Jaime kind of threw the new family sword in his dad’s face and all. What else is he going to do after he takes care of family business? He’s been banned from King’s Landing! It’s for the best, the place is kind of a cesspool.

Now, Jaime heads north to take Riverrun back from the Blackfish on behalf of those gross Freys. Hey, wait a second, Brienne is also headed to Riverrun? Wow, it’s almost as if these two are on a collision course or something. WOW.

Khal Drogon

And in classic Daenerys fashion, she finishes the episode off for seemingly no reason. Perhaps it’s just to serve as a remind that while the Lannisters break apart and the North fights, Dany is as committed to taking the Iron Throne as ever, this time with an even larger Dothraki army at her back.

And, oh yeah, a huge fucking dragon! Dany leaves for a minute and just manages to pop back up with Drogon. Maybe she found a dragon ocarina or something. I know she named her entire Khlasar her blood riders, but what if her blood riders are actually her dragons? Or she names a couple people dragon riders??? THINK ABOUT IT.

Next Episode Predictions

• Sam’s father catches up with him on the high seas. He swings onto Sam’s ship, pirate style, and repeatedly slaps him in the face while swinging back and forth on his rope.
• Arya and the Waif fight for a minute before realizing this is all silly and sorting out their issues over a cup of coffee.
• Arya finds a convenient ride home when Gendry just happens to pop up on shore in his tiny boat. He has not left it since season 2 and has forgotten how to walk.
• Jaime attempts to ease the tension with the Blackfish by starting off their conversation with a series of hand-related jokes. They do not go over well.
• Sansa reveals to Jon that she met with Littlefinger. Jon tells her that he has literally no idea who that is.
• Ser Jorah discovers the world’s first moisturizing cream, thus saving himself from Greyscale and making himself that much more pleasant to the ladies.
• The Sand Snakes wave at the camera from the background, subtly reminding the audience that they are, in fact, still a thing.

Book Stuff

• I love how show Randyll Tarly is just hanging around the old property, hunting stuff and mocking his son’s weight. Ehhhh, that whole Brienne journey around the countryside where he pops up isn’t that great anyway.
• Jaime’s storyline from A Feast for Crows is all coming together. Minus the whole hating Cersei and learning to be his own man thing. If anything, it seems as if Jaime is getting right back to being his old, cocky, two-handed self. You know, without actually having two hands again.
• Considering that this Jaime still madly loves his sister and is not the conflicted man of the book at this juncture, would Brienne still have as much of an issue if they came into conflict. “Oh yeah, hang that guy. What a dick!” (I love dickhead Jaime Lannister for the record)
• We got our first Brotherhood Without Banners mention in a while. That can’t be a crazy random happenstance. Who is leading the Brotherhood right now? It certainly seems like the show isn’t going to touch Lady Stoneheart, but you never know!
• Give me Frey pies or give me death.