Interestingly enough, Game of Thrones has really seemed to put the pedal to the metal now that they’re beyond the books. Maybe they were dragging their feet before. There was clearly some trouble adapting the dense material from A Feast for Crows and A Dance With Dragons. Whatever the case may be, season 6 has been a rush so far, and this episode was no exception.

Ya Burnt!

I really should have placed a bet on what would last longer: Jon Snow’s death or Daenerys’ time with the Dothraki. Dothraki Dany outlasted Jon’s time in the great beyond by just over an episode. I’m not complaining, Dany’s escape from life as a crone was terrific and wasn’t dragged out like someone who attempted to assassinate a Khaleesi.

Ser Jorah and Daario certainly thought they were going to show up and white knight the shit out of Dany. Jorah has the knowledge of the Dothraki; Daario has youth and skillzzzzz and all that shit. They got this! All they got to do was put a log on a door. Dany gathered the horse lords into a trap that even noted trap expert Admiral Ackbar wouldn’t have seen coming.

The Horse Lords found out why Daenerys is called “The Unburnt” in the hardest way possible. Maybe they should have let her spew out her 7,000 titles instead of interrupting her to proclaim how well they were going to sex her. Daenerys emerging in her birthday suit from the flames of the Temple of the Dosh Khaleen after destroying the Dothraki leadership is a powerful moment. It shows that she can rise right back to the top after being thrown to the bottom again. She showed her strong pimp hand, and gained the respect of the entire Dothraki nation in the process. Now it’s time to go settle things in Meereen so she can get her dragons and those pizzas that have been promised for so long now and get her ass to Westeros.

Haggling with the Harpy

Dany’s gonna be real happy when she gets back to Meereen. All her boats have been burnt, her dragons are running around eating sheep again, and the guy she named advisor just before she left is actually trying to negotiate with her enemies! Negotiate!? I know, what a fucking idiot.

Come on Tyrion, people in Essos don’t negotiate. They yell at each other, deliver ultimatums, and murder each other. That’s very different from Westeros, where they yell at each other, deliver ultimatums, negotiate, betray each other, rinse, repeat.

Missandei and Grey Worm do not approve of this. They are former slaves, so their feelings are a tad bit strong on this particular topic. Tyrion Lannister is the outsider perspective they need to actually move things along in Essos! Otherwise, it’s just a cycle of Dany killing the slavers and new slavers rising up. You just know that Tyrion is getting a lot of disapproving glares once the Mother of Dragons goes home.

Stark Reunion

I am so, so thankful that Sansa, Brienne, and Pod didn’t actually miss Jon Snow at Winterfell. I could see it so clearly in my head: Jon storms out, having finally quit the Night’s Watch. An hour later, Sansa arrives asking where her half-brother is. Instead, we got to see a little happiness on a Stark’s face for the first time in a long time.

Jon and Sansa’s scenes in this episode were really nice. Kit Harrington and Sophie Turner have a great brother-sister chemistry for two characters that have never really interacted with each other. I love their fireside chat, where Sansa makes Jon forgive her for treating him poorly and Jon vows to protect her, lest the ghost of their father haunt him. Jon says it as a joke, but he really is already haunted by his father. Ned’s sense of honor lives on in Jon, or at least it did until he got stabbed by his homeboys.

What are two reunited Starks to do? Is there really an option, when Winterfell is being fun by a traitorous psychopath? While Jon may be tired of fighting, Sansa has seen firsthand what a monster Ramsay Bolton is. She can’t let that bastard continue to ruin her family’s home and legacy. I like this Sansa. She’s been chewed up and spit out by the world and needs to get back up. Just like Daenerys overseas, Sansa is showing just how much resolve she has in her.

Ramsay’s taunting letter just drives it all home for Jon and Sansa. They need to take back what has been taken from them. They need to save one of the few relatives they have left in this world. They can’t let Ramsay hurt them again. It’s time for Sansa and Jon to take their large companions and head south. It’s time for the North to remember just who the bad guys are and make things right.

Wake the Kraken

Theon finally arrived home to the perpetually dreary Iron Islands. His sister, Yara, is understandably upset at the mere sight of him. Her only appearances in these past few seasons have been an unsuccessful rescue attempt where she had to deal with the infamous shirtless Ramsay and receiving that unfortunate package from the Bolton bastard.

She finally got the other part of that package! Get it, because the initial package was Theon’s penis and now Theon is here. Where his penis is. Get it? Cool.

Yara’s initial instinct is that Theon is back to claim the throne. The shithead that unknowingly hit on her when they first met back in season 2 might have come back to sit on the Seastone Chair (god the Iron Islands are dumb). Not this Theon. His time as Reek broke him. He just needs a warm bed and a roof over his head. He’s gonna support his sister in the upcoming Kingsmoot! Nothing, and I mean nothing, could go wrong.

The Cobbler

Sadly, whenever I hear the word “cobbler” now, I think of that shitty Adam Sandler movie that no one’s seen except for really bored people on Netflix. What does this have to do with anything? The High Sparrow told Margaery some story about being a cobbler and trying to be rich or something. Whatever, we all know he’s just trying to get her to do that naked walk of shame. What a perv.

Margaery’s not falling for it. She’s here to be queen, and she knows how damaging that shame walk is for her brand. Her brother Loras isn’t quite as strong. He’s ready to give up, let the Faith have their way. One could say that the Knight of FLOWERS has WILTED. Ohhhhhhhhh…I hate myself.

Cersei has a terrific solution that is a win-win-win. The Tyrell army invades the city and takes on the Faith Militant while the royal army stands down. There COULD be a little civil war, but that’s no big deal. This is the queen we’re talking about, guys! We can spare no solution, no matter how bloody or potentially disastrous.

Other Stuff

• Jon, dude, what is with that manbun?
• Oh goodie, Littlefinger is back. And look at how little Robin Arryn(‘s nose) has grown! The most trustworthy man in Westeros wants to offer their support to Sansa in this trying time. She should be thrilled to see him.
• Look at Brienne throwing that big time SHADE at Davos and Melisandre. “Yeah, I killed Stannis, how about them apples? DEAL WITH IT.” Ice cold.
• Tormund Giantsbane has met Brienne and he likes what he sees. Finally, a woman as tall as he claims his penis is! HAR!
• Poor Osha took her shot at Ramsay and done got got.

Next Episode Predictions

• Sam is slapped around by his entire family like he’s the hysterical woman from airplane.
• Tormund attempts to woo Brienne with a message spelled out in bodies.
• Littlefinger and Robin get lost on the way up to the Wall and get taken out by a gang of ice zombies. No one asks what happened to them.
• Daenerys gives Meereen to the Dothraki to do with as they please and walks away.
• Ser Jorah’s stonitis spreads to his lower region. He begs Daario to end him now. Daario chuckles and refuses.
• Podrick Payne takes the Black and is immediately named the new Lord Commander of The Night’s Watch.

Book Stuff

• We more or less got Ramsay’s “Pink Letter” in this episode, and it is 100% percent from him. No doubt about it. The sequence is a little bit different this time, considering that the letter was Jon’s motivation to rally the troops into stabbing him over and over.
• There’s also a huge difference in Theon’s story, as we know he was not present for the Kingsmoot. The preview chapters of The Winds of Winter show him hunkered in with Stannis’ forces, along with fake Arya, and his sister Asha.
• Meereen’s been remixed too, with Tyrion being the representative that meets with the slave leadership. I can dig it, Tyrion adds a different dimension to these proceedings. Will dying Ser Jorah serve the Ser Barristan Selmy role? Would it kill them to introduce either Brown Ben Plumm or Strong Belwas? You know Strong Belwas would be a hit on this show.